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HINTS 


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/ 


This  work  was  originally  published  in 
London,  where  it  has  gone  through  twenty-two 
editions,  and  has  been  made  the  standard  of 
modern   society   in   England. 


THE 


AMERICAN 

LADIES   AND   GENTLEMAN'S 

MANUAL 

V 

OF 

ELEGANCE,    FASHION, 

AND 

TRUE    POLITENESS. 


BY  CHARLES  WILLIAM  DAY. 


fuirivEESiTy) 

ALDE  NpiBJE  AR  DSL^  Y    &    CO. 

ROCHESTER:   VVANZto.,  BEARDSLEY  &  CO. 

1852. 


J)  3 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1843, 

By  O.  C.  B.  Carter, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  Massachusetts. 


•n 


STEREOTYPED    AT   THE 
BOSTON    TYPE    AND    STEREOTYPE    FOUNDRT 


ic^^^^ 


\ 


THE 

AMERICAN     PUBLIC, 


The  Author  believes  that  in  America,  there 
IS  to  be  found  a  society  as  well  bred,  graceful, 
and  polished,  as  can  be  met  with  in  Europe ; 
but  as  the  masses  of  people,  so  continually  rising 
in  the  New  World,  can  scarcely  be  expected 
successfully  to  emulate  the  manners  and  habits 
of  those  whose  position  has  been  so  long  defined, 
assuredly  it  can  hurt  no  one,  but  benefit  many, 
for  them  to  compare  the  usages  of  polished  • 
nations  with  those  of  their  own ;  and  to  consider"^ 
whether  a  common  sense  application  of  the 
1* 


6  TO    THE    AMERICAN    PUBLIC. 

ordinary  observances  of  good  society,  as  prac- 
tised in  older  countries,  cannot  materially  elevate 
in  the  social  scale,  the  aspiring  and  the  suc- 
cessful. 

The  Hints  on  Etiquette  having,  in  the  most 
unprincipled  manner,  been  attributed  to  Count 
d'Orsay,  by  a  bookseller  in  New  York,  the 
real  Author,  to  settle  the  matter,  is  induced  to  f 
put  his  name  to  this  American  edition,  that  in 
future  no  mistakes  may  occur. 


Boston,  Mass.,  December  1st,  1843 


PREFACE 


THE    FIRST    EDITION. 


This  is  not  written  for  those  who  do,  but  for 
those  who  do  not  Jcnoio  what  is  proper,  com- 
prising a  large  portion  of  highly  respectable  and 
estimable  people,  who  have  not  had  an  oppor 
tunity  of  becoming  acquainted  with  the  usages 
of  the  (so  termed)  "  best  society  ; "  therefore, 
do  not  let  the  "  select "  sneer,  and  say,  "  O, 
every  body  knows  that;  there  is  nothing  new 
here."  Even  they  may  be  mistaken,  and  many 
may  profit  who  will  not  choose  to  own  how 
much  they  are  indebted  to  this  little  book. 


8  PREFACE    TO    THE    FIRST    EDITION. 

It  would  be  absurd  to  suppose  that  thcee 
persons  who  constitute  the  upper  ranks  of  the 
middle  classes  in  London  are  ignorant  of  the 
regulations  here  laid  down  ;  but  in  the  coun- 
try, (especially  in  the  mercantile  districts,)  where 
the  tone  of  society  is  altogether  lower,  it  is  far 
otherwise,  although  country  people  may  not 
feel  inclined  to  acknowledge  what  is,  neverthe- 
less, strictly  true. 

If  these  "  hints  "  save  the  blush  but  upon  one 
cheeJc,  or  smooth  the  path  into  "society''  of 
only  one  honest  family,  the  object  of  the  author 
will  be  attained. 

London,  January  20, 189& 


CONTENTS. 


Page. 

Genef.al  Observations  ....«••••• 11 

Chap  I.  Introductions • 15 

II.  Letters  of  Introductioit • 22 

III.  Marriage 29 

IV.  Dinners 31 

y.  Smoking 53 

VI.  Snuff 58 

VII.  Fashion 60 

VIII.  Dress 62 

IX.  Music 70 

X.  Dancing 74 

XI.  Conversation .....81 

XII.  Advice  to  Tradespeople 101 

XIII.  Visiting 104 


10  CONTENTS. 

Page 
Chap.    XIV.     Visiting  Cards 107 

XV.     Cards 114 

XVI.    Tattling 117 

XVII.    Of  general  Society 121 


HINTS  ON  ETiaUETTE, 
[U1TI7ERSITY 

GENERAIi    OBSERVATIONS. 

Etiquette  is  the  barrier  which  society  draws 
around  itself  as  a  protection  against  offences  the  ^ 
"  law  "  cannot  touch  ;  it  is  a  shield  against  the 
intrusion  of  the  impertinent,  the  improper,  and 
the  vulgar,  —  a  guard  against  those  obtuse  per- 
sons who,  having  neither  talent  nor  delicacy, 
would  be  continually  thrusting  themselves  into 
the  society  of  men  to  whom  their  presence 
might  (from  the  difference  of  feeling  and  habit) 
be  offensive,  and  even  insupportable. 


12  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

Many  unthinking  persons  consider  the  ob- 
servance of  etiquette  to  be  nonsensical  and 
unfriendly,  as  consisting  of  unmeaning  forms, 
practised  only  by  the  silly  and  the  idle — an 
opinion  which  arises  from  their  not  having  re- 
flected on  the  reasons  that  have  led  to  the 
establishment  of  certain  rules  indispensable  to 
the  well-being  of  society,  and  without  which, 
indeed,  it   would   inevitably  fall   to   pieces,    and 

be  destroyed. 

Much  misconstruction  and  unpleasant  feeling 
arises,  especially  in  country  towns,  from  not 
knowing  what  is  "  expected ^"^^  or  necessary  to  be 
done,  on  certain  occasions,  resulting  sometimes 
from  the  prevalence  of  local  customs,  with  which 
the  world  in  general  are  not  supposed  to  be 
acquainted. 


GENERAL    OBSERVATIONS.  13 

Besides,  in  a  mercantile  country  like  England, 
people  are  continually  rising  m  the  world.  Y. 
Shopkeepers  become  merchants,  and  mechanics 
manufacturers ;  with  the  possession  of  wealth 
they  acquire  a  taste  lor  the  luxuries  of  life, 
expensive  furniture,  gorgeous  plate,  and  also 
numberless  superfluities,  with  the  use  of  which 
they  are  only  imperfectly  acquainted.  But 
although  their  capacities  for  enjoyment  increase, 
it  rarely  happens  that  the  polish  of  their  manners 
keeps  pace  with  the  rapidity  of  their  advance- 
ment; hence  such  persons  are  often  painfully 
reminded  that  wealth  alone  is  insufficient  to 
protect  them  from  the  mortihcations  which  a 
limited  acquaintance  with  society  entails  upon 
the  ambitious.  Pride  often  deters  people  from 
seeking  the  advice  of  the  experienced,  when 
the  opportunity  of  receiving  it  is  presented.  It 
2 


14  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE* 

15  to  be  hoped  that  the  following  remarks  will 
furnish  a  guide  through  the  intricacies  of  con. 
ventional  usage,  without  risk  to  the  sensitive, 
or  the  humiliation  of  publicly  proclaiming  the 
deficiencies  of  an  imperfect  education. 

In  all  cases,  the  observances  of  the  Metropolis 
(as  the  seat  of  refinement)  should  be  received 
as  the  standard  of  good-breeding. 


15 


INTRODUCTIONS 

Never  *'  introduce "  people  to  each  other 
without  a  previous  understanding  that  it  will 
be . agreeable  4o  both. 

There  are  many  reasons  why  people  ought 
never  to  be  introduced  to  the  acquaintance  of 
each  other,  without  the  consent  of  each  party 
previously  obtained.  A  man  may  suit  the  taste, 
and  be  agreeable  enough  to  one,  without  being 
equally  so  to  the  rest  of  his  friends ;  nay,  as  it 
often  happens,  he  may  be  decidedly  unpleasing : 
a  stupid  person  may  be  delighted  with  the  so- 


16  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

ciety  of  a  man  of  learning  or  talent,  to  whom,  in 
return,  such  an  acquaintance  may  prove  an  an- 
noyance and  a  clog,  as  one  mcapable  of  offering 
an  interchange  of  thought,  or  an  idea  worth 
listening  to. 

But  if  you  should  find  an  agreeable  person  in 
private  society,  who  seems  desirous  of  making 
your  acquaintance,  there  cannot  be  any  objec- 
tion to  your  meeting  his  advances  half  way, 
although  the  ceremony  of  an  "  introduction " 
may  not  have  taken  place  ;  his  presence  in  your 
friend's  house  being  a  sufficient  guarantee  for 
his  respectability,  as,  of  course,  if  he  were  an 
improper  person,  he  would  not  be  there. 

Should  you,  whilst  walking  with  your  friend, 
meet  an  acquaintance,  never  introduce  them. 


INTRODUCTIONS.  17 

If  you  meet  a  male  acquaintance  giving  his 
arm  to  a  lady,  take  off  your  hat  to  him,  instead 
of  nodding  —  as  this  last  familiar  mode  of  recog- 
nition looks  disrespectful  towards  her. 

In  making  *^  introductions,"  take  care  to  pre- 
sent the  person  of  the  lower  rank  to  him  of  the 
higher ;  that  is,  the  commoner  should  be  pre- 
sented to  the  peer,  not  the  peer  to  the  com- 
moner ;  Dr.  A.  to  Lord  B.,  not  Lord  B.  to  Dr. 
A.  Observe  the  same  rule  with  ladies  —  the 
lady  (as  a  female)  claiming  the  highest  rank, 
it  is  to  her  the  gentleman  must  be  presented,  not 
the  lady  to  the  gentleman. 

Be  cautious  how  you  take  an  intimate  friend 
uninvited  even  to  the  house  of  those  with  whom 
you  may  be  equally  intimate,  as  there  is  always 

2^ 


18  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE* 

a  feeling  of  jealousy  that  another  should  share 
your  thoughts  and  feelings  to  the  same  extent 
as  themselves,  although  good  breeding  will 
induce  them  to  behave  civilly  to  your  friend  on 
your  account. 

Friendship  springs  up  from  sources  so  subtle 
and  undefinable,  that  it  cannot  be  forced  into 
particular  channels  ;  and  whenever  the  attempt 
has  been  made,  it  has  usually  been  unsuc- 
cessful. 

Never  make  acquaintances  in  coffee-houses 
or  other  pubhc  places.  As  no  person  who 
respects  himself  does  so,  you  may  reasonably 
suspect  any  advances  made  to  you.  —  In  America, 
this  must  be  taken  with  some  allowance ;  board- 
ing in  hotels,  and  living  much  in  public,  being 


INTRODUCTIONS.  19 

the  custom  of  the  country,  but  which  is  con- 
trary to  English  prejudices.  Besides,  in  the 
United  States,  there  is  at  least  a  profession  of 
equality,  however  chimerical  may  be  a  reality, 
which  is  never  even  affected  in  Europe. 

An  adherence  to  etiquette  is  a  mark  of  re- 
spect. If  a  man  be  worth  'knowing,  he  is  surely 
worth  the  trouble  to  approach  properly.  It  will 
likewise  reheve  you  from  the  awkwardness  of 
being  acquainted  with  people  of  whom  you 
might  at  times  be  ashamed,  or  be  obliged,  under 
many  circumstances,  to  "  o^^." 

The  act  of  "  cutting  -'  can  only  be  justified 
by  some  strong  instance  of  bad  conduct  in  the 
person  to  be  cut.  A  cold  bow,  which  discour- 
ages familiarity  without  offering  insult,   is    the 


20  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

best  mode  to  adopt  towards  those  with  whom  an 
acquaintance  is  not  deemed  desirable.  An  in- 
creased observance  of  ceremony  is,  however,  the 
most  delicate  way  of  withdrawing  from  an 
acquaintance ;  and  the  person  so  treated  must 
be  obtuse,  indeed,  who  does  not  take  the  hint. 

A  neglect  of,  or  an  adherence  to,  the  forms 
of  society,  in  others  towards  yourself,  is  often- 
times the  only  way  in  which  you  are  enabled 
to  judge  if  your  acquaintance  be  really  con- 
sidered desirable.  You  will  meet  with  pro- 
fessions of  civility  and  friendship  in  the  world 
as  mere  matters  of  course ;  and  were  you  to 
act  upon  what  people  say,  instead  of  what  they 
do,  you  would  run  a  risk  of  being  mortified, 
which  no  person  of  proper  pride  would  choose 
to  encounter  \  especially  if  the  other  party  be, 


INTRODUCTIONS.  21 

or  assume  to  be,  of  higher  rank  than  yourself. 
We  never  knew  a  person,  really  desirous  of 
forming  a  friendship  with  another,  neglect,  either 
by  word  or  deed,  the  means  of  accomplishing 
such  an  object. 

It  is,  however,  understood  in  society,  that  a 
person  who  has  been  properly  introduced  to  you, 
has  some  claim  on  your  good  offices  in  future; 
you  cannot  therefore  slight  him  without  good 
reason,  and  the  chance  of  being  called  to  an 
account  for  it. 


22 


CHAP.   11. 

LETTERS    OF    INTRODUCTION. 

Letters  of  Introduction  are  to  be  considered 
as  certificates  of  respectability  —  as  proofs  that 
you  are  known  by  the  introducer  to  be  a  proper 
person  to  be  admitted  into  the  friendly  circle  of 
him  to  whom  you  are  recommended,  without  the 
risk,  in  these  days  of  elegant  exterior,  of  his 
harboring,  a  swindler,  or  losing  his  silver  spoons. 

Many  people  consider  that,  when  they  have 
given  a  dinner  to  the  stranger,  they  have  done 
enough,  and  are  not  required  to  take  any  fur- 
ther notice  of  him,  so  that,  with  modern  English 
coldness,  "  Letters  of  Introduction "  have  been 


LETTERS    OF    INTRODUCTION.  23 

facetiously  termed  *^  Tickets  for  Soup,"  and 
many  sensitive  people  have,  by  these  degrading 
considerations,  been  prevented  from  presenting 
them  It  is  true,  that  among  people  "  comme  il 
faut,^^  the  new  comer  is  generally  welcomed 
with  a  dinner  —  not  for  the_  sake  of  the  enter- 
tainment —  but  as  a  means  of  presenting  him 
to  a  fresh  society,  and  of  giving  him  the  oppor- 
tunity of  legitimately  making  the  acquaintance 
of  his  host's  friends  invited  expressly  to  meet 
him  ;  but,  as  the  only  criterion  of  the  estimation 
in  which  he  is  held  must  be  the  kind  of  people 
asked  to  meet  him,  be  careful  not  to  wound  his 
feelings  by  inviting  those  whom  he  may  be 
likely  to  consider  his  inferiors  eitKfcr  in  merit 
or  position. 

If  you  have  letters  of  introduction  from   one 


^4  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

friend  to  another,  do  not  take  them,  but  send 
them,  with  your  card  of  address.  If  he  be  a 
gentleman,  he  will  return  your  visit  as  soon  as 
possible  ;  at  any  rate  it  will  give  him  an  option, 
which  by  taking  your  letters  in  person  you  do 
not  do,  but  rather  force  yourself  upon  him 
whether  he  will  or  not.  If  your  letters  be  on 
business  only,  no  ceremony  is  necessary  —  take 
them  at  once.  In  all  such  matters  never  trust 
to  a  second  that  which  may  be  so  much  better 
done  by  yourself. 

There  cannot  be  a  more  awkward  situation 
for  both  parties  than  for  one  person  to  be  wait- 
ing whilst  ^e  other  is  reading  a  letter  with  the 
endeavor  to  discover  who  the  stranger  may  be, 
or  a  position  in  which  the  bearer  looks  so  fool- 
ish, or  feels  so  uncomfortable.     Then  comes  the 


LETTERS    OF    INTRODUCTION.  25 

bow,  a  cold  shake  of  the  hand,  with  the  few 
civil  words  of  course,  —  and  all  because  you 
come  upon  a  stranger  who  is  unprepared; 
therefore  give  him  time  to  read  the  letter  you 
bring,  and  to  consider  how  he  may  best  show  his 
regard  for  your  introducer  by  his  attentions  to 
yourself. 

Observe,  that  "  Letters  of  Introduction  "  are 
never  sealed  by  well-bred  people  ;  the  seal  of 
the  writer  is  attached  to  the  envelope — re- 
quiring only  a  little  wax  to  close  it,  —  at  the 
option  of  the  person  to  whom  it  is  confided. 

If  a  gentleman   be  the  bearer  of  an   "  intro- 
duction "  to  you,  leave  a  card  with  him  without 
fail,    if  it  be   only  as   an   acknowledgment   of 
having  received  your  friend's  letter;  there  is  no 
3 


26  HINTS    ON    ETICtUETTE. 

rudeness  so  great  as  to  leave  it  unnoticed,  —  it 
is  a  slight  to  the  stranger  as  well  as  to  the 
introducer,  which  no  subsequent  attentions  will 
cancel ;  you  are  not  obliged  to  invite  him,  as 
that  is  a  matter  of  choice. 

In  France,  and  indeed  generally  on  the  Con- 
tinent, it  is  the  established  usage  that  strangers 
on  arriving  pay  the  first  visit  to  residents.  In 
England,  with  much  better  taste,  the  contrary  is 
the  rule.  A  stranger  should  never  be  made  to 
feel  that  he  is  demanding  attentions;  but  if 
possessed  of  true  delicacy,  he  would  prefer 
waiting  until  they  are  offered.  In  spite  of  our 
own  folly  in  occasionally  copying  them,  the 
French  (with  a  much  greater  affectation  of  po- 
liteness) are  infinitely  inferior  to  English  gentle- 
men in  true  good-breeding. 


LETTERS    OF    INTRODUCTION.  27 

Remember  also,  that  a  letter  should  never 
remain  unanswered  a  moment  longer  than  is 
absolutely  unavoidable.  Should  you  not  have 
time  to  answer  it  fully,  a  simple  acknowledg- 
ment is  better  than  no  notice  of  it  at  all. 

An  adherence  to  these  rules  will  prevent  your 
exposure  to  any  coldness  or  slight  you  might 
otherwise  incur. 

Do  not  imagine  tnese  ntiie  ceremonies  to  be 
insignificant  and  beneath  your  attention  ;  they 
are  the  customs  of  society  ;  and  if  you  do  not  - 
conform  to  them,  you  will  gain  the  unenviable 
distinction  of  being  pointed  out  as  an  ignorant, 
ill-bred  person.  Not  that  you  may  care  the 
more  for  strangers  by  showing  them  civility,  but 


28  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

you  should  scrupulously  avoid  the  imputation  of 
being  deficient  in  good-breeding ;  and  if  you  do 
not  choose  to  be  polite  for  their  sakes,  you  ought 
to  be  so  for  your  own. 


29 


CHAP.   III. 


MARRIAGE. 


When  a  man  marries,  it  is  understood  that 
all  former  acquaintanceship  ends,  unless  he  in- 
timate a  desire  to  renew  it,  by  ^ending  you  his 
own  and  his  wife's  card,  if  near,  or  by  letter, 
if  distant.  If  this  be  neglected,  be  sure  no 
further  intercourse  is  desired. 

In  the  first  place  —  A  bachelor  is  seldom  very 
particular  in  the  choice  of  his  companions.  So 
long  as  he  is  amusod,  he  will  associate  freely 
enough  with  those  whose  morals  and  habits 
would  point  them  out  as  highly  dangerous  per- 
sons to  introduce  into  the  sanctity  of  domestic    J. 


30  HINTS    ON    VTK^UETTE. 

Secondly  —  A  married  man  has  the  tastes  of 
another  to  consult ;  and  the  friend  of  the  Aw5- 
hand  may  not  be  equally  acceptable  to  the  wife. 

Besides  —  Newly-married  people  may  wish  to 
limit  the  circle  of  their  friends,  from  praise- 
worthy niotives  of  economy.  When  a  man  first 
"  sets  up "  in  the  world,  the  burden  of  an  ex- 
tensive and  indiscriminate  acquaintance  may  be 
felt  in  various  ways.  Many  have  had  cause  to 
regret  the  weakness  of  mind  which  allowed 
them  to  plunge  into  a  vortex  of  gayety  and  ex- 
pense they  could  ill  afford,  from  whi<ih  thev 
have  found  it  difficult  to  extricate  themselves, 
and  the  effects  of  which  have  proved  a  serious 
evil  to  them  in  after  life 


81 


CHAP.  IV. 


DINNERS. 


Of  the  etiquette  of  a  dinner  party,  it  is 
extremely  difficult  to  say  any  thing,  because 
fashions  are  continually  changing,  even  at  the 
best  tables;  and  what  is  considered  the  height 
of  good  taste  one  year,  is  declared  vulgar  the 
next ;  besides  which,  certain  houses  and  sets 
have  certain  customs,  peculiar  to  their  own 
clique,  and  all  who  do  not  conform  exactly  to 
their  methods  are  looked  upon  as  vulgar  per- 
sons, ignorant  of  good-breeding.  This  is  a 
mistake  commonly  fallen  into  by  the  little 
''  great "  in  the  country,  where  the  circle  con- 
stituting ^^  society  ^^  is  necessarily  so  small,  that 


32  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

its  members  cannot  fail  to  acquire  the  same 
habits,  feelings,  and  observances.  However,  a 
tew  hints  may  not  be  thrown  away,  always 
recollecting  that  people  can  only  become  ridic- 
ulous by  attempting  to  be  too  fine,  I  am,  of 
course,  supposing  my  readers  to  be  acquainted 
with  the  decencies  of  life. 

When  the  members  of  the  party  have  all 
assembled  in  the  drawing-room,  the  master  or 
mistress  of  the  house  will  point  out  which  lady 
you  are  to  take  into  the  dining-room,  according 
to  some  real  or  fancied  standard  of  precedence, 
rank,  (if  there  be  rank,)  age,  or  general  impor- 
tance; that  is,  the  married  before  the  single, 
&c. ;  or  they  will  show  their  tact,  by  making 
companions  those  who  are  most  likely  to  be 
agreeable  to  each    other.      Give  the   lady   the 


((Ul^IVEESIT 

wall  coming  down  stairs,  takS^hertpto  tlre~room,    , 
and  seat  yourself  by  ner  side.      ^^**'^'^r,r- -  n  --r.     ^ 

If  you  pass  to  dine  merely  from  one  room  to 
another,  offer  your  left  arm  to  "the  lady. 

Remember  that  it  is  the  lady  who  at  all  times 
takes  precedence,  not  the  gentleman.  A  person 
led  a  Princess  out  of  the  room  before  her  hus- 
band, (who  was  doing  the  same  to  a  lady  of 
lower  rank  ;)  in  his  over-politeness,  he  said,. 
^'Pardonnez  que  nous  vous  precedons,"  quite 
forgetting  that  it  was  the  princess,  and  not  he, 
who  led  the  way. 

Well-bred  people  arrive  as  nearly  at  the 
appointed  dinner  hour  as  they  can.  It  is  a 
very  vulgar  assumption  of  importance  purposely 


34  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

to  arrive  half  an  hour  behind  time ;  besides  the 
folly  of  allowing  eight  or  ten  hungry  people  such 
a  tempting  opportunity  of  discussing  J[Our 
foibles.   ,      ^        l| ,  1 ,      -     p.  ^ ^.^ , 

The  lady  of  the  house  will,  of  course,  take  the 
head  of  the  table,  and  the  gentleman  of  the 
highest  rank  will  sit  at  her  right  hand  ;  the 
gentleman  next  in  rank  will  be  placed  on  the 
left  of  the  hostess,  so  that  she  may  be  supported 
by  the  two  persons  of  the  most  consideration, 
(who  will  assist  her  to  carve.) 

In  many  houses  of  distinction,  the  master  and 
mistress  sit  vis-a-vis  to  each  other  at  the  middle 
of  the  table.  • 

In  nearly  all  the  houses  of  the  nobility,  at 


DINNERS  35 

present,  the  operation  of  carving  is  performed 
at  the  side  table,. where  the  yiece  de  resistanccy 
by  which  is  meant  the  roast  joint,  is  placed. 

It  is  the  custom  at  present  for  the  lady  of 
the  house  to  follow  her  guests  into  the  dining- 
room,  except  when  a  prince  of  the  royal  family 
is  present,  who  leads  out  the  lady  of  the  house 
first. 

The  gentleman  of  the  house  takes  the  bottom 
of  the  table,  and  on  each  side  of  Mm  must  be 
placed  the  two  ladies  highest  in  ranJc.  You  will 
find  a  party  of  ten  convenient,  as  it  admits  of 
an  equal  distribution  of  the  sexes ;  neither  two 
men  nor  two  women  like  to  sit  together. 


r 

It  is  a  matter  of  regret  that  table  napkins  are 


36  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

not  considered  indispensable  in  England ;  for, 
with  all  oar  boasted  refinement,  they  are  far 
from  being  general.  The  comfort  of  napkins 
at  dinner  is  too  obvious  to  require  comment, 
whilst  the  expense  can  hardly  be  urged  as  an 
objection.  If  there  be  not  any  napkins,  a  man 
has  no  alternative  but  to  use  the  table-cloth, 
unless  (as  many  do)  he  prefer  his  pocket  hand- 
kerchief—  an  usage  sufficiently  disagreeable. 

^Never  eat  your  dinner  as  if  you  were 
BOLTING  IT  FOR  A  WAGER.^  For  cach  indi- 
vidual at  a  table  to  devour  his  portion  in  solemn 
silence,  is  only  worthy  of  the  domestic  animals, 
jealous  of  a  morsel  being  snatched  away  by 
such  of  their  number  as  may  be  more  greedy 
than  conscientious.  At  meals,  lively  conver- 
sation elevates  the  spirits,  and  has  a  most  sal 


DINNERS.  37 

utary  effect  upon  the  digestion,  besides  that  it 
checks  the  possibiUty  of  eating  so  voraciously 
as  to  cause  dyspepsia.  Solemn  dulness  and 
unsociability  at  meals,  is  one  of  the  national 
characteristics  of  the  Americans,  and  cannot 
be  too  quickly  rectified. 

It  is  considered  vulgar  to  take  fish  or  souj 
twice.  The  reason  for  not  being  helped  twice 
to  fish  or  soup  at  a  large  dinner  party  —  is 
because  by  so  doing  you  keep  three  parts  of  the 
company  staring  at  you  whilst  waiting  for  the 
second  course,  which  is  spoiling,  much  to  the 
annoyance  of  the  mistress  of  the  house.  The 
selfish  greediness,  therefore,  of  so  doing  consti- 
tutes its  vulgarity.  At  a  faniily  dinner  it  is  of 
less  importance,  and  is  consequently  often  done. 


38  HINTS    ON    ETIQ^UETTE. 

Hot  soup  at  table  is  very  vulgar;  it  either 
leads  to  an  unseemly  mode  of  taking  it,  or  keeps 
people  waiting  too  long  whilst  it  cools.  Soup 
should  be  brought  to  table  only  moderately 
warm. 

Do  not  ask  any  lady  to  take  wine,  until  you 
see  that  she  has  finished  her  fish  or  soup.  This 
exceedingly  absurd  and  troublesome  custom  is 
very  properly  giving  way  at  the  best  tables  to 
the  more  reasonable  one  of  the  gentleman  help- 
ing the  lady  to  wine  next  to  whom  he  may  be 
seated,  or  a  servant  will  hand  it  round.  But  if 
either  a  lady  or  a  gentleman  be  invited  to  take 
wine  at  table,  they  must  never  refuse  ;  it  is  very 
gauche  so  to  do.  They  need  not  drink  half  a 
glass  with  each  person,  but  merely  taste  of  it. 


DINNERS,  39 

Asking  ladies  to  take  wine  is  now  quite 
exploded.  It  is  merely  offered  by  the  gentle- 
men who  sit  next  to  them  ;  but  if  you  are  in  a 
country  house  where  the  custom  is  retained,  it 
would  be  better  breeding  to  follow  the  fashion 
of  the  place^  rather  than,  by  an  omission  of  what 
your  entertainer  considers  civility,  to  prove  him, 
in  the  face  of  his  guests,  to  be  either  ignorant  or 
vulgar. 

It  is  considered  well  bred  to  take  the  same 
wine  as  that  selected  by  the  person  with  whom 
you  drink,  the  choice  being  left  to  the  person 
liighest  in  rank  or  most  advanced  in  age.  When, 
however,  the  wine  chosen  by  him  is  unpalatable 
to  you,  it  is  allowable  to  take  that  which  you 
prefer,  prefacing  it  with,  "  Will  you  permit  me 
to  drink  claret,  sherry,"  &c. 


40  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

At  every  respectable  table  you  will  find  silver 
forks;?  being  broader,  they  are  in  all  respects 

X' 

more  convenient  than  steel  for  fish  or  vegetables. 
Steel  forks,  except  for  carving,  are  now  never 
placed  on  the  table. 

At  family  dinners,  vi^here  the  conimon  house- 
hold bread  is  used,  it  should  never  be  cut  less 
than  an  inch  and  a  half  thick^l  There  is  nothing 
more  plebeian  than  thin  bread  at  dinner. 

Never  use  your  knife  to  convey  your  food  to 
your  mouth,  under  any  circumstances;  it  is  un- 
necessary, and  glaringly  vulgar.  Feed  yourself 
with  a  foj-k  or  spoon,  nothing  else,  —  a  knife  is 
only  to  be  used  for  cutting. 

This  is  a  besetting  sin  with  Americans  of  all 


DINNERS.  41 

ranks.  Nothing  is  more  horrible  than  to  witness 
a  man  make  a  shovel  of  his  knife,  with  the 
momentary  expectation  of  seeing  him  cut  his 
mouth  at  every  throw.  /  It  is  in  itself  an  atrocity, 
that,  in  Europe,  would  shut  him  out  of  the  pale 
of  civilized  life. 

If  at  dinner  you  are  requested  to  help  any  one 
to  sauce,  do  not  pour  it  over  the  meat  or  vege- 
tables, but  on  one  side.  \Jf  you  should  have  to 
carve  and  help  a  joint,  do  not  load  a  person's 
plate  —  it  is  vulga^:  also  in  serving  soup,  one 
ladleful  to  each  plate  is  sufRcienty 

\Fish  should  always  be  helped  with  a  silver 
jfish-slice/and  your  own  portion  of  it  divided  by 
the  fork  aided  by  a  piece  of  bread. 
4* 


-f 


42  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

The  application  of  a  knife  to  fish  is  likely  to 
destroy  the  delicacy  of  its  flavor ;  b.esides  which, 
fish  sauces  are  often  acidulated;  acids  corrode 
steel,  and  draw  from  it  a  disagreeable  taste. 
In  the  North,  where  lemon  or  vinegar  is  very 
generally  used  for  salmon  and  many  other  kinds 
of  fish,  the  objection  becomes  more  apparent. 

Eat  PEAS  with  a  dessert  spoon;  and  curry 
also.  Tarts  and  puddings  are  to  be  eaten  with 
a  spoon.* 

It  is  not  elegant  to  gnaw  Indian  corn.  The 
kernels  should  be  scored  with  a  knife,  scraped 

*  By  a  step  in  pseudo  refinement,  the  etiquette  of  1839 
pronounces  that  the  use  of  a  spoon  for  these  purposes  must 
be  carefully  avoided  at  dinner,  it  being  only  admissible  for 
Boup  and  ices. 


DINNERS.  43 

off  into  the  plate,  and  then  eaten  with  a  fork. 
Ladies  should  be  particularly  careful  how  they 
manage  so  ticklish  a  dainty,  lest  the  exhibition 
rub  off  a  little  desirable  romance. 

As  a  general  rule  —  in  helping  any  one  at 
table,  never  use  a  knife  where  you  can  use  a 
spoon. 

Making  a  noise  in  chewing,  or  breathing  hard 
in  eating,  are  both  unseemly  habits,  and  oug!it 
to  be  eschewed. 

Many  people  make  a  disgusting  noise  wath 
their  lips,  by  inhaling  their  breath  strongly  whilst 
taking  soup  —  a  habit  which  should  be  carefully 
avoided. 


44  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

You  cannot  use  your  knife,  or  forJcy  or  teeth 
too  quietly. 

It  is  considered  extremely j^^og-isA  to  have  an 
overloaded  plate,  piled  up  with  an  heterogeneous 
mass  of  edibles.  Almost  every  dish  has  its 
appropriate  sauce,  (not  sarse,)  or  vegetables, 
intended  as  condiments  or  auxiliaries  to  that 
alone.  Squash,  corn,  turnips,  beets,  and  tomato 
sauce,  all  on  the  same  plate,  remind  one  more 
of  the  contents  of  a  beggar's  wallet,  or  a  mess 
for  a  dog,  than  of  .a  portion  for  a  moderate 
Christian  gentleman. 

Do  not  press  people  to  eat  more  than  they 
appear  to  like,  nor  insist  upon  their  tasting  of 
any  particular  dish :  you  may  so  far  recommend 
one,  as  to  mention  that  it  is  considered  "  excel- 


DINNERS.  '4o 

lent."  Remember  that  tastes  differ,  and  viands 
which  please  you,  may  be  objects  of  dishke  to 
others ;  and  that  in  consequence  of  your  urgency, 
very  young  or  very  modest  people  may  feel 
themselves  compelled  to  partake  of  what  may  be 
most  disagreeable  to  them.  \ 

Do  not  pick  your  teeth  mwcA  at  table,  as, 
however  satisfactory  a  practice  to  yourself,  to 
witness  it  is  not  at  all  pleasant. 

"^^Ladies  should  never  dine  with  their  gloves  on 
—  unless  their  hands  are  not  fit  to  be  seeriT  \ 

Servants  occasionally  wait  at  table  in  dea7i 
ivhite  gloves :  there  are  few  things  more  dis- 
agreeable than  the  thumb  of  a  clumsy  waiter  in 
your  plate. 


46  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

The  custom,  however,  of  servants  waiting  at 
table  in  gloves,  has  never  been  adopted  in  the 
mansions  of  people  of  distinction.  A  white 
damask  napkin,  in  which  his  thumb  is  enveloped, 
is  given  to  each  servant,  and  this  effectually 
precludes  its  contact  with  your  plate. 

Glass  wine-coolers,  half  filled  -with  water, 
should  be  placed  next  each  person  at  table. 

Finger  glasses,  filled  with  warm  water,  come 
on  with  the  dessert.  Wet  a  corner  of  your 
napkin,  and  wipe  your  mouth,  then  rinse  your 
fingers ;  but  do  not  practise  the  filthy  custom 
of  gargling  your  mouth  at  table,  albeit  the 
usage  prevails  amongst  a  few,  who  think  that, 
because  it  is  a  foreign  habit,  it  cannot  be  dis- 
gusting. 


DINNERS.  4  i 

The  custom  of  drinking  toasts,  and  of  forcing 
people  to  drink  bumper  after  bumper  of  wine, 
until  drunkenness  results,  is  quite  banished  from 
gentlemanly  society  to  its  proper  place  —  the 
tavern.  It  arises  from  a  mistaken  idea  of  mak- 
ing visitors  welcome ;  the  Amphitryon  of  the 
feast  overlooking  the  fact  of  its  being  much  more 
hospitable  to  allow  his  guests  to  do  as  they 
please,  and  to  take  only  as  much  wine  as  they 
may  feel  convenient  or  agreeable.  It  is  but  a 
miserable  boast,  that  a  man  has  sufficient 
^strength  of  stomach  to  sit  his  companions 
*^  under  the  table." 

/  Never  pare  an  apple  or  a  pear  for  a  lady 
unless  she  desire  you,  and  then  be  careful  to 
use  your  fork  to  hold  it;  you  may  sometimes 
offer  to  divide  a  very  large  pear  with  or  for  a 
person. 


48  HINTS    CN    ETIQ,UETTE. 

At  some  of  the  best  houses,  coffee  is  brought 
into  the  dining-room  before  the  gentlemen  quit 
the  table  —  a  very  good  custom,  as  it  gently 
prevents  excess,  the  guests  retiring  to  the  ladies 
immediately  afterwards  ;  it  also  allows  those  who 
have  other  engagements  to  take  coffee  before 
they  quit  the  hou^e.  Coffee  should  be  brought 
in  at  an  hour  previously  appointed,  without  the 
hell  being  rung  for  it,  but  a  sufficient  interval 
must  be  allowed,  lest  the  wrrst  seem  chary  of  his 
wine.  For  instance,  nine  o'clock  is  a  good  hour 
if  the  dinner  were  at  six  ;  or  ten  o'clock  for  one 
which  commenced  at  seven. 

At  present,  coffee  is  not  brought  into  the 
dining-room  in  fashionable  houses,  except  when 
a  small  party,  intending  to  go  to  a  theatre,  are 
pressed  for  time  —  it   is   always  served  in  the 


DINNERS.  49 

drawing-room.  Nevertheless,  the  former  is  a 
very  excellent  arrangement  in  country  houses,  for 
very  obvious  reasons. 

Coffee,  on  the  Continent,  and  sometimes  in 
England,  is  follovi^ed  by  liqueurs  of  two  or  three 
kinds,  which  are  left  to  the  choice  of  the  guests,  \y 
and  are  poured  into  very  small  glasses  —  an 
unnecessary  custom,  not  to  be  advocateJ  in 
res^ectabky  but  only  in  ^^high^^  society. 

Do  not  suppose  that  it  will  exalt  you  in  the 
opinion  of  others,  by  speaking  harshly  and 
imperatively  to  servants,  or  add  at  all  to  your 
consequence.  Never  order  other  people's  ser- 
vants about.  At  a  strange  table,  say  "if  you 
please,"  and  "  thank  you ; "  it  may  be  said  in 
a  manner  that  will  not  encourage  familiarity. 
5 


50  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

Should  your  servants  break  any  thing  while 
you  are  at  table,  never  turn  round,  or  inquire 
into  the  particulars,  however  annoyed  you  may 
feel.  If  your  servants  betray  stupidity  or 
awkwardness  in  waiting  on  your  guests,  avoid 
reprimanding  them  publicly,  as  it  only  draws 
attention  to  their  errors,  and  adds  to  their 
embarrassment. 

Nothing  indicates  a  well-bred  man  more  than 
a  proper  mode  of  eating  his  dinner.  A  man 
may  pass  muster  by  dressing  well,  and  may 
sustain  himself  tolerably  in  conversation ;  but 
if  he  be  not  perfectly  "au  fait,"  dinner  will 
betray  him. 

It  is  a  piece  of  superlative  folly  for  men  who 
dine  at  a  house  to  take  their  round  hats  into  the 


DINNERS.  51 

drawing-room:  it  answers  no  purpose  at  all; 
and  the  necessity  of  giving  them  to  a  servant 
on  entering  the  dinner  room,  creates  confusion. 
Men  of  fashion,  nevertheless,  invariably  take 
their  hats  into  the  drawing-room,  where  they 
are  left  when  people  go  to  dinner,  and  whence 
they  are  removed  by  the  servants,  and  placed 
m  the  ante-room  or  vestibule. 

Invitations  to  dine  should  be  answered  to  the 
lady.  Invitations  to  a  ball  should  be  in  the 
lady's  name,  and  the  answer  of  course  sent 
to  her. 

It  is  customary,  when  you  have  been  out 
dining,  to  leave  a  card  upon  the  lady  the  next 
day,  or  as  soon  after  as  may  be  convenient. 


52  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

Attentions  of  this  sort  are  not  to  be  expected 
from  professional  men,  as  Doctors,  Lawyers,  &c.j 
their  time  being  too  valuable  to  sacrifice  in 
making  visits  of  mere  ceremony ;  therefore,  do 
not  attribute  such  omission  to  any  want  of 
respect,  but  to  its  proper  cause  —  time  more 
usefully  occupied 

When  a  man  is  about  to  be  married,  he 
usually  gives  a  dinner  to  his  bachelor  friends ; 
which  is  understood  to  be  their  conge,  unless  he 
choose  to  renew  their  acquaintance. 


53 


CHAP.  V. 


SMOKING. 


If  you  are  so  unfortunate  as  to  have  con- 
tracted the  J93^  habit  of  smoking,  be  careful  to 
practise  it  under  certain  restrictions ;  at  least,  so 
long  as  you  are  desirous  of  being  considered  fit 
for  civilized  society. 

The  first  mark  of  a  gentleman  is  a  sensitive 
regard  for  the  feehngs  of  others;  therefore, 
smoke  where  it  is  least  likely  to  prove  personally 
offensive  by  making  your  clothes  smell ;  then 
wash  your  mouth,  and  brush  your  teeth.  What 
man  of  delicacy  could  presume  to  address  a  lady 


64  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE 

with  his  breath  smelling  of  onions  ?  Yet  to- 
bacco is  equally  oaious.  The  tobacco  smoker, 
in  public,  is  the  most  selfish  animal  imaginable ; 
he  perseveres  in  contaminating  the  pure  and 
fragrant  air,  careless  whom  he  annoys,  and  is 
but  the  fitting  inmate  of  a  tavern. 

Smoking  in  the  streets,  or  in^  a  theatre,  is 
only  practised  by  shop-boys,  pseudo-fashionables 
—  and  the  "swell  mob." 

All  songs  that  you  may  see  written  in  praise 
of  smoking  in  magazines  or  newspapers,  or  hear 
sung  upon  the  stage,  are  puffs,  paid  for  by  the 
proprietors  of  cigar  divans  and  tobacco  shops, 
to  make  their  trade  popular,  —  therefore,  never 
believe  nor  be  deluded  by  them. 


SMOKING.  55 

Chewing  tobacco  is  an  abominable  habit, 
which  has  ascended  to  the  better  ranks  in 
America  from  those  "ancient  mariners"  who 
were  the  followers  of  the  original  settlers.  It 
is  a  custom,  therefore,  essentially  vulgar  —  often 
lamented,  indeed,  by  those  unfortunate  enough 
to  practise  it,  yet  who  are  without  the  strength 
of  mind  sufficient  to  discontinue  it.  The  spit- 
ting consequent  on  chewing  tobacco,  has  been 
made  matter  of  grave  comment,  or  of  well- 
founded  ridicule,  by  all  foreigners  who  have 
visited  the  United  States.  It  is,  indeed,  directly 
at  variance  with  all  the  decencies  of  Ufe.  What 
an  article  is  a  spittoon  as  an  appendage  to  a 
handsomely  furnished  drawing-room!  what  a 
nasty  receptacle  for  a  secretion  entirely  the 
result   of  an  unnecessary  practice !      Half  the 


66  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

consumptions  in  America  are  brought  on  by 
people  spitting  up  their  lungs.  Besides,  how 
few  men  would  like  to  "do  the  sentimental"  to 
a  lady  given  to  "chaw"!  Gentlemen,  then, 
should  reverse  the  case,  and  ask  themselves 
whether  ladies  would  not,  at  all  times,  give  a 
preference  to  those  who  are  not  addicted  to  so 
disagreeable  a  practice. 

In  public  places,  too,  only  reflect  on  the 
offensive  necessity  of  stepping  over  pools  of 
. J  brown  spittle !  or  the  still  more  disgusting  task 
of  wading  through  it!  The  first  step  towards 
becoming  "  gentlemen  "  is  the  abandonment  of 
habits  universally  reprobated  in  civilized  life. 

Never  be   seen   in   cigar   divans   or   billiard 


h  SMOKING.  57 

rooms ;  they  are  frequented,  at  best,  by  an 
equivocal  set.  Nothing  good  can  be  gained 
there  —  and  a  man  loses  nis  respectability  by 
being  seen  entering  or  coming  out  of  such 
places. 


58 


CHAP.  VI. 


SNUFP. 


As  snuff-laking  is  merely  an  idle,  dirty  habit, 
practised  by  stupid  people  in  the  una\  ailing 
endeavor  to  clear  their  stolid  intellect,  and  is 
not  a  custom  particularly  offensive  to  their 
neighbors,  it  may  be  left  to  each  individual  taste 
as  to  whether  it  be  continued  or  not.  An 
"  Elegant "  cannot  take  much  snuff  without 
decidedly  ^Mosing  caste.'' 

"Doctor,"  said  an  old  gentleman,  who  was 
an  inveterate  snuff-taker,  to  a  physician,  "  is  it 


SNUFF.  59 

true  that  snuff  destroys  the  olfactory  nerves, 
clogs,  and  otherwise  injures  the  brain  ?  "  "  It 
cannot  be  true/'  was  the  caustic  reply,  "  since 
those  who  have  any  brains  never  take  snuff 
at  alV 


^ 


60 


CHAP.   Vll. 


FASHION. 


But  few  things  betray  greater  imbecility  of 
mind  than  a  servile  imitation  of  the  extrava- 
gancefe  of  any  fashionable  monster.  A  man 
possessed  of  the  delicate  and  proper  feelings  of 
a  gentleman  would  deem  himself  degraded  by 
copying  another,  even  to  the  curling  of  a 
whisker,  or  the  tie  of  a  cravat ;  as,  by  so  doing, 
he  could  only  show  the  world  of  how  little 
importance  he  felt  himself,  and  the  very  poor 
opinion  he  entertained  of  his  own  taste. 

Fashion  and  gentility  are  very  distinct  thingi 

# 


FASHION.  61 

-^for  which  reason,  people,  really  of  the  highest 
rank,  are  too  proud  to  become  martyrs  to  any 
prevailing  mode ;  and  the  man  of  true  taste  will 
limit  his  compliance  with  the  caprices  of  fashion 
to  not  appearing  equally  conspicuous  for  its 
utter  neglect. 


62 


CHAP.   VIIL 

DRESS. 

It  is  bad  taste  to  aress  m  the  extreme  of 
fashion ;  and,  in  general,  those  only  do  so  who 
have  no  other  claim  to  distinction,  —  leave  it, 
in  these  times,  to  shopmen  and  pickpockets. 
There  are  certain  occasion^,  however,  when  you 
may  dress  as  gaily  as  you  please,  observing  the 
maxim  of  the  ancient  poet,  to  be  "  great  on 
great  occasions."  Men  often  think,  when  they 
wear  a  fashionably-cut  coat,  an  embroidered 
waistcoat,  with  a  profusion  of  chains  and  other 
trinkets,  that  they  are  well  dressed,  entirely 
overlooking  the  less  obtrusive,  but  more  certain, 


DRESS,  X^^V^    OV    TRk"  "63"\ 

QIFIVEESITY) 

marks  of  a  refined  taste.  ^The- grand  joints  arc 
—  well-made  shoes,  clean  gloves,  a  White  pocket 
handkerchief,  and,  above  all,  iin  easy  and  grace- 
ful deportment. 

Overdressing  themselves,  is  a  very  serious  evil  ~^, 
in  the  young  men  of  America,  "who  usually  look    \ 
as   if  they   had   come   out   of  a  bandbox.     It 
should  not  be  overlooked,  that  those  people  who    \ 
overstudy   their   dress,   are   conscious    of   their 
inferiority,   and   hope   by  such   means  to   raise 
themselves  in  the  public  estimation.     They  have 
so  very  poor  an  opinion  of  their  own  importance, 
as  to  believe  that  they  require  outside  show,  in 
order  to  attract  any  notice  at  all.     How  much 
better  would  it  be  for  them  to  study  politeness 
and  real  refinement  instead  !     Only  recol  ect  how 
disadvantageous  the  reaction  is,  when,  on  con- 


64  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

versing  with  a  fashionably-dressed  man,  you 
discover  that  his  conversation  is  far  below  his 
appearance,  whilst  his  ungrammatical  or  inel- 
egant expressions  at  once  point  him  out  as 
belonging  to  an  inferior  order  of  society.  The 
man  of  unpretenaing  exterior  escapes  all  this, 
whilst  all  must  have  noticed  how  much  a  simply- 
dressed  man  rises  in  importance,  when  we  dis- 
cover that  his  quiet  costume  covers  ability,  edu- 
cation, and  true  refinement. 

Do  not  affect  singularity  in  dress,  by  wearing 
out-of-the-way  hats,  or  gaudy  waistcoats,  &c., 
and  so  become  contemptibly  conspicuous ; 
nothing  is  more  easy  than  to  attract  attention 
in  such  a  manner,  since  it  requires  neither  sense 
nor  taste.  A  shrewd  old  gentleman  said  of 
one  of  these  "  ninnies,"  that  "  he  would  rather 


i 


DRESS.  65 

he    taken   for    a    fool,    than    not    he    noticed 
at    alV 

A  dress  perfectly  suited  to  a  tall,  good-looking 
man,  may  render  one  who  is  neither,  ridiculous  ; 
as,  althoiigh  the  former  may  wear  a  remarkable 
waistcoat,  or  singular  coat,  almost  with  impunity, 
the  latter,  by  adopting  a  similar  costume, 
exposes  himself  to  the  laughter  of  all  who  see 
him.  An  unassuming  simplicity  in  dress  should 
always  be  preferred,  as  it  prepossesses  every  one 
in  favor  of  the  wearer. 

i  Never  affect  the  "  ruffianly "  style  of  dress, 
unless,  as  some  excuse,  you  hold  a  brilliant 
position  in  society.  A  nobleman,  or  an  exceed- 
ingly elegant  and  refined  man,  is  sometimes 
^oolish  enough  to  disguise  himself,  and  assume 
6« 


66  HINTS    ON    ETICtUETTE. 

the  ^'ruffian,"  as  it  amuses  him  to  mark  the 
surprise  of  people  at  the  contrast  between  his 
appearance  and  his  manners ;  but  if  you  have  no 
such  pretensions,  let  your'  costume  be  as  unos- 
tentatious as  possible,  lest  people  only  remark 
tliat  ^'  your  dress  is  as  coarse  as  your  mindy 

There  is  nothing,  indeed,  so  vulgar,  nor  so 
indicative  of  an  equivocal  person,  as  a  man 
being  extremely  ^*  fashionable "  in  his  dress, 
when  unaccompanied  by  the  adjuncts  du  hon 
ton,  or  the  appointments  of  a  gentleman.  An 
Elegant  in  a  curricle  does  very  well ;  but  a 
"  Swell  in  a  bus,"  is  always  a  person  of  doubtful 
position.  The  huge,  brilliant  shirt-pin,  which 
sparkles  in  the  breast  of  a  Jew  stockbroker,  is 
vulgar  from  its  very  size ;  whilst  the  ci/e  of  a 
gcnilcmariy  however  poor  he  may  be^  is  a  gem 


DRESS.  67 

which  positioiv  has  given  him,  as  a  counter- 
balance to  the  assumption  which  too  often 
accompanies  meanly  acquired  wealth,  and  carries 
with  it  a  command  which  the  parvenu  mil- 
lionaire w^ould  give  his  largest  diamond  to  ac- 
quire. Never  forget  that  its  power  may 
occasionally  be  useful  to  repress  impertinent 
advances. 

Always  wear  your  gloves  in  church  or  in  a 
theatre. 

Avoid  wearing  jewelry,  unless  it  be  in  very 
good  taste,  and  then  only  at  proper  seasons. 
This  is  the  age  of  mosaic  gold  and  other  trash  ; 
^nd  by  dint  of  swindfing,  any  one  may  become 
"  flashy  "  at  a  small  expense.  Recollect  that 
every  shop-boy  can  coarsely  imitate  your  "  out- 


68  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

ward  and  visible  sign,"  if  he  choose  to  save  his 
money  for  that  purpose.  If  you  will  stand  out 
in  "  high  and  bold  relief,"  endeavor  to  become 
eminent  for  some  virtue  or  talent,  that  people 
may  say,  "  There  goes  the  celebrated  (not  the 
7iotorious)  Mr.  So-and-so. 

It  is  a  delicate  subject  to  hint  at  the  incon- 
gruities of  a  lady's  dress,  —  yet,  alas!  it  forces 
itself  upon  our  notice  when  we  see  a  female 
attired  with  elaborate  gorgeousness,  picking  her 
steps  along  the  sloppy  streets,  after  a  week's 
siiow  and  a  three  days'  thaw,  ivalkiiig  in  a  dress 
only  fit  for  a  carriage.  When  country  people 
visit  London,  and  see  a  lady  enveloped  in  ermine 
and  velvets,  reclining  in  a  carriage,  they  are  a'pt 
to  imagine  it  is  the  fashionable  dress,  and  adopt 
it    accordingly,   overlooking    the    coronet    em- 


DK£:ss.  69 

blazoned  on  the  panels,  and  that  its  occupant  is 
a  duchess  or  a  marchioness  at  the  least,  and  that 
were  the  same  person  to  walk,  she  would  be  in  a 
very  different  costume,  and  then  only  attended 
by  a  footman. 

Ladies  of  good  taste  seldom  wear  jewelry  m 
the  morning ;  and  when  they  do,  they  confine 
themselves  to  trinkets  of  gold,  or  those  in  which 
opaque  stones  only  are  introduced.  Ornaments 
with  brilliant  stones  are  unsuited  for  a  mornmg 
costume. 


70 


CHAP.   IX. 

OF    MUSIC    IN    GENERAL    SOCIETY. 

It  is  the  misfortune  of  musical  people  gen- 
erally to  be  such  enthusiasts,  that,  once  begin- 
ning, they  seldom  know  when  to  leave  off: 
ther6  are  few  things  a  greater  scccatura  than  a 
long  "  Concerto,"  or  duett  upon  the  pianoforte, 
or  an  ^'  Air  with  (endless)  variations."  The 
listeners  get  fidgetty  and  tired,  although  they  are 
usually  too  polite  to  say  so.  I  once  sat  next  to 
a  foreigner,  who  had  endured  with  exemplary 
patience  a  tedious  "  Concerto,"  and  who,  when 
it   was    finished,    applauded    vehemently,    then, 


OF    MUS#    IN    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  71 

turning  round  to  me  with   a  droll  expression  of 
coLntenance,  said,  '^  perche  si  finisceJ^  * 

Nothing,  however,  is  more  rude  than  to  con- 
verse whilst  people  are  singing.  If  you  do  not 
like  music  sufficiently  to  listen  to  it,  you  should 
remember  that  others  may  do  so,  and  that  not 
only  do  you  interrupt  their  enjoyment  of  it,  but 
you  offer  an  offence  to  the  singers. 

A  song  now  and  then  is  very  desirable,  as  it  is 
a  relief  to  conversation,  but  half  a  dozen  con- 
secutively, even  from  St.  Cecilia  in  person, 
would  become  a  bore  ;  besides  which,  people 
are  now  accustomed  to  hear  popular  songs  exe- 
cuted by  those   whose   profession   it  is,  with  a 

*    *Becaus?  it's  finished." 


72  HINTS    ON    ETIQ.UETTE. 

N 

superiority  rarely  attainable  in  private  life,  so  thai 
amateurs  seldom  do  more  than  provoke  unfortu- 
nate comparisons.  However,  when  highly-gifted 
musicians  arc  found  in  private  society,  we  have 
generally  observed  their  delicacy  to  be  in  propor- 
tion to  their  excellence. 

But  the  case  is  much  worse  when  a  profes- 
sional "  violinist "  is  admitted  into  a  private 
party:  he  either  flourishes  away,  unconscious 
that  he  is  not  in  an  orchestra,  or  else,  desirous  to 
prove  his  superiority  over  the  '^  dilettanti, ^^  he 
overpowers  them  with  a  tone  which  might  fill  a 
cathedral.  The  best  fiddles  scream  too  much  in 
(comparatively)  small  rooms,  however  delicately 
they  may  be  played ;  besides  that  few  even  of 
the  first  English  musicians  seem  to  understand 
what  an   ^*  accompaniment "  really  means,  each 


OF    MUSIC    IN    GENERAL.    SOCIETY.  73 

performer  being  too  intent  on  making  his  par- 
ticular instrument  heard  above  the  rest,  to  care 
about  the  subject,  or  to  feel  that  an  "  accompa- 
niment" should  be  subdued,  and  subservient  to 
the  voice. 

We  once  heard  the  silver  tones  of  an  exqui- 
site singer  completely  overpowered,  between  the 
shriekings    of  a  fiddle,   the  vain-glorious  grum- 
blings of  a  violoncello,  and  the  wheezings  of^a- 
dyspeptic  flute. 


74 


CHAP/ X 


DANCING. 


With  the  etiquette  of  a  ball-room,  so  far  as 
it  goes,  there  are  but  few  people  unacquainted. 
Certain  persons  are  appointed  to  act  as  stewards, 
or  there  will  be  a  "master  of  the  ceremonies," 
whose  office  it  is  to  see  that  every  thing  be  con- 
ducted in  a  proper  manner ;  if  you  are  entirely 
a  stranger,  it  is  to  them  you  must  apply  for  a 
>  partner,  and  point  out  (quietly)  any  young  lady 
with  whom  you  should  like  to  dance,  when,  if 
there  be  no  obvious  inequality  of  rank,  they  will 
present  you  for  that  purpose ;  should  there  be 
an  objection,  they  will  probably  select  some  one 


DANCIUCr.  75 

they  consider  more  suitable  ;  but  do  not,  on  any 
account,  go  to  a  strange  lady  by  yourself,  and 
request  her  to  dance,  as  she  will  unhesitatingly 
"decline  the  honor,"  and  think  you  an  imper- 
tinent fellow  for  your  presumption. 

Any  presentation  to  a  lady  in  a  public  ball- 
room, for  the  mere  purpose  of  dancing,  does  not 
entitle  you  to  claim  her  acquaintance  afterwards  ; 
therefore,  should  you  meet  her  the  next  day,  do 
not  attempt  to  address  her.  At  most,  you  may 
lift  your  hat;  but  even  that  is  better  avoided, — 
unless,  indeed,  she   first  bow,  —  as  neither  she 

0 

nor  her  friends  can  know  who  or  what  you  are. 

In  France,  Italy,  Germany  and  Russia,  gentle- 
men invariably  take  off  their  h^ts  to  everj  lady 
in  whose  society  they  had  ever  previously  been, 


76  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

even  though  no  introduction  had  taken  place; 
but  they  do  not  consider  themselves  authorized 
to  address  a  lady  in  conversation  to  whom  they 
have  hot  been  presented.  This  is  surely  the 
usage  most  consistent  with  true  politeness 
towards  women. 

Do  not  wear  hlnck  or  colored  gloves,  lest  your 
partner  look  sulky ;  even  should  you  be  in 
mourning,  wear  white  gloves,  not  Hack,  People 
in  DEEP  mourning  have  no  business  in  a  ball- 
room at  all. 

Lead  the  lady  through  the  quadrille ;  do  not 
drag  her,  nor  clasp  her  hand  as  if  it  were  made 
of  wood,  lest  she  not  unjustly  think  you  a  boor. 

You   will  not,  if  you  are  wise,  stand  up  in 


DANCING.  77 

a  quadrille  without  knowing  something  of  the 
figure;  and  if  you  are  master  of  a  few  of  the 
steps,  so  much  the  better.  But  dance  quietly  ;  do 
not  kick  and  caper  about,  nor  sway  your  body  to 
and  fro ;  dance  only  from  the  hips  downwards ; 
and  lead  the  lady  as  lightly  as  you  would  tread 
a  measure  with  a  spirit  of  gossamer. 

Do  not  pride  yourself  on  doing  "  steps  neatly," 
unless  you  are  ambitious  of  being  taken  for  a 
dancing-master;  between  whose  motions  and 
those  of  a  gentleman  there  is  a  great  difference. 

If  a  lady  should  civilly  decline  to  dance  with 
you,  making  an  excuse,  and  you  chance  to  see 
her  dancing  afterwards,  do  not  take  any  notice 
of  it,  nor  be  offended  with  her.  It  might  not 
be  that  she  despised  you^  but  that  she  j^rcjerred 
7* 


78  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 


i 


another.  We  cannot  always  fathom  the  hidden 
springs  which  influence  a  woman's  actions,  and 
there  are  many  bursting  hearts  within  white  satin 
dresses ;  therefore  do  not  insist  upon  the  fulfil- 
ment of  established  regulations  "  de  rigueur." 
Besides,  it  is  a  hard  case  that  women  should  be 
compelled  to  dance  with  every  body  oflered 
them,  at  the  alternat^e  of  not  being  allowed  to 
enjoy  themselves  at  all. 

If  a  friend  be  engaged  when  you  request  her 
to  dance,  and  slie  promises  to  be  your  partner 
for  the  next  or  any  of  the  following  dances,  do 
not  neglect  her  when  the  time  comes,  but  be  in 
readiness  to  fulfil  your  office  as  her  cavalier,  or 
she  may  think  that  you  have  studiously  slighted 
her,  besides  preventing  her  obliging  some  one 
else.      Even   inattention  and   forgetfuhiess,   by 


DANCING.  79 

showing,  how  little  you  care  for  a  lady,  form*  in 
themselves  a  tacit  insult. 

If  a  lady  waltz  with  you,  beware  not  to  press 
her  waist ;  you  must  only  lightly  touch  it  with 
the  open  palm  of  your  hand,  lest  you  leave  a 
disagreeable  impression  not  only  on  her  ceinturc, 
but  on  her  mind. 

Above  all,  do  not  be  prone  to  quarrel  in  a 
ball-room ;  it  disturbs  the  harmony  of  the  com- 
pany, and  should  be  avoided,  if  possible. 
Recollect  that  a  thousand  little  derelictions  from 
strict  propriety  may  occur  through  the  igno- 
rance or  stupidity  of  the  aggressor,  and  not 
from  any  intention  to  annoy  ;  remember,  also, 
that  realhj  well-bred  women  will  not  thank  you 
for  making  them  conspicuous  by  over-officious- 


50  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

ness  in  their  defence,  unless,  indeed,  there  be 
any  serious  or  glaring  violation  of  decorum.  In 
small  matters,  ladies  are  both  able  and  willing  to 
take  care  of  themselves,  and  would  prefer  being 
allowed  to  overwhelm  the  unlucky  offender  in 
their  own  way. 

If,  while  walking  up  and  down  a  public 
promenade,  you  should  meet  friends  or  ac- 
quaintances whom  you  do  not  intend  to 
join,  it  is  only  necessary  to  salute  them  the 
Jirst  time  of  passing ;  to  bow  or  to  nod  to  them 
every  round  would  be  tiresome,  and  therefore 
improper;  do  not  be  afraid  that  they  will 
think  you  odd  or  unfriendly,  as,  if  they  huve 
any  sense  at  all,  they  will  appreciate  your 
reasons.  If  you  have  any  thing  to  say  to  them, 
join  them  at  once. 


ei 


CHAP.   XL 


CONVERSATION. 


Many  men  of  talent  forget  that  the  object 
of  conversation  is  to  entertain  and  amuse, 
and  that  society,  to  be  agreeable,  must  never 
be  made  the  arena  of  dispute.  Some  persons 
spoil  every  party  they  join  by  making  it  their 
only  object  to  prove  that  every  one  present  is  in 
the  wrong  but  themselves. 

It  requires  so  much  tact  and  good-breeding  to 
sustain  an  argument,  however  logical  and  correct 
the  arguer  may  be,  that  an  avoidance  of  it  will 


82  HINTS    ON    ETIQ^UETTE. 

gain  him  more  popularity  than  a  triumph  over 
his  adversary  could  accomplish. 

Even  slight  inaccuracy  in  statement  of  facts 
or  opinions  should  rarely  be  remarked  on  in 
conversation. 

A  man  should  never  permit  himself  to  lose 
his  temper  in  society  —  not  shoio  that  he  has 
taken  offence  at  any  supposed  slight  —  it 
places  him  in  a  disadvantageous  position  — 
betraying  an  absence  of  self-respect,  —  or  ai 
the  least  of  self-possession. 

If  a  "puppy"  adopt  a  disagreeable  tone  of 
voice  —  or  offensive  manner  towards  you  —  never 
resent  it  at  the  time  —  and  above  all  do  not  adopt 
the  same  style  in  your  conversation  with  him  ; 


CONVERSATION.  83 

appear  not  to  notice  it,  and  generally  it  will  be 
iiscontinued,  as  it  will  be  seen  that  it  has  failed 
in  its  object ;  besides  which  —  you  save  voia 
emper. 

Be  careful  in  company  how  you  defend  your . 
friends,  unless  the  conversation  be  addressed  to 
yourself.  Remember  that  nobody  is  perfect, 
and  people  may  sometimes  speak  the  truth ;  and 
that,  if  contradicted,  they  may  be  desirous  of 
justifying  themselves,  and  will  prove  what  might 
otherwise  have  been  a  matter  of  doubt. 

Wit  elicits  wit;  and  when  such  brilliant 
materials  meet,  they  form  the  flint  and  steel  of 
conversation ;  appreciation  is  the  tinder,  which, 
though  not  bright  in  itself,  receives  and  cher- 
ishes the  scintillations  as  they  fall     Who  has 


"84  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

not  felt  his  intellect  expand  with  the  assurance 
of  havinj^  what  he  says  understood  ?  Apprecia- 
tion certainly  is  a  talent. 

Never  offer  to  confer  on  a  person  an  act  of 
civility  or  attention,  and  then  neglect  to  carry 
it  into  effect,  since  there  cannot  be  a  greater 
impertinence — and  the  other  party  will  with 
great  justice  feel  offended. 

Not  to  offer  an  easy  act  of  courtesy,  mar/  be 
ungracious,  but  no  one  can  reasonably  quarrel 
with  you  for  choosing  to  withhold  it.  The  offer, 
however,  once  made,  the  case  assumes  a  very 
different  aspect,  and  you  may  very  properly  be 
called  on  to  state  your  reasons  for  its  non-fulfil- 
ment, since  the  other  party  may  rationally  as- 
sume those  reasons  to  be  injurious  to  themselves 


CONVERSATION.  85 

Never  "talk  at  people'' — it  is  in  the  worst 
possible  taste,  as  it  is  taking  an  unfair  advantage 
of  them  ;  if  there  be  any  thing  you  dislike,  "  out 
with  it  If  old  1 1/, ^'  and  give  tliem  an  opportunity  of 
explaining,  or  of  defending  themselves,  —  or  else 
be  silent. 

Do  not  say  a  person  is  "affable,"  unless  he  or 
she  be  of  very  high  rank,  as  it  implies  conde- 
scension.    PwOYAL  personages  are  "gracious." 

Do  not  repeat  the  name  of  the  person  to 
whom  you  are  speaking,  as,  — "  Indeed,  Mr. 
Stubbs,  you  don't  say  so.  Sir,"  —  or,  "  Really, 
Mrs.  Fidkins,  I  quite  agree  with  you,  Mrs. 
Fidkins."  It  is  a  sufficiently  bad  habit  in  an 
equal,  but  in  one  of  lower  rank  it  becomes  an 
impertinence. 

8 


I 


86  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

In  talking  of  your  own  children,  never  speak 
of  them  as  ''Master  William,"  or  ''Miss  Jane;" 
"  Mr.  Henry  "  or  "  Miss  Louisa :  "  it  is  a 
'miserable  attempt  to  elevate  both  them  and 
yourself,  which  will  assuredly  fail,  as  it  is  prac- 
tised by  those  only  who  have  recently  risen  above 
that  dingy  .mass  of  mediocrity  —  "the  multi- 
tude ; "  leave  it,  therefore,  to  others  to  pay  them 
so  proper  a  mark  of  respect,  secure  that  none 
but  very  intimate  friends  will  take  the  liberty  of 

calling  them  plain  "  Mary  "  or  "  Edward ; " 

this  is  an  important  caution,  as  it  is  generally 
the  first  error  committed  by  the  "  nouveaux 
riches,^' 

With  American  ladies  of  the  second  class, 
there  is  a  great  proneness  to  construe  the  com- 
monest   expressions     and    words     into    having 


CONVERSATION.  87 

indelicate  meanings  —  to  realize,  indeed,  the 
sailor's  axiom  of  being  "  nasty  nice,"  or  virtually 
to  embody  Swift's  biting  truism,  that  "the 
nicest  people  have  the  nastiest  ideas."  The  ^ 
truth  is,  that,  in  America,  female  delicacy  has 
become  morbid,  and  has  gone  beyond  that  whole- 
some propriety  of  feeling,  which  distinguishes  \/ 
betwe^'n  an  intended  grossness,  and  a  word 
which  is  fully  understood  to  have  no  other 
meaning  than  that  which  it  expresses.  Extreme 
delicacy  borders  closely  on  indelicacy,  and  a 
gentleman,  especially  an  Englishman,  is  some- 
times compelled  to  rack  his  brains  in  order  to 
discover  how  that  which  he  has  said  can  be  so 
distorted  from  its  true  meaning;  and  the  dis- 
covery, when  made,  however  it  may  amuse  him 
at  its  ingenuity,  rarely  elevates  the  lady  in  his 
opinion,  but  rather  astonishes  him  at  the  gross- 


88  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

ness  of  sentiment  which  it  implies,  and  which 
must  have  existed  in  her  mind  before  she  was 
gauche  enough  to  let.  it  appear.  If  any  thing 
reaily  equivocal  be  said,  the  lady  sliould  be  the 
last  to  let  it  he  known  that  she  understands  it. 

As  a  sequence  to  this,  may  be  noticed  a 
ludicrously  vulgar  refinement  of  speech,  common 
to  pseudo  elegants,  namely,  the  use  of  synonymes 
so  awfully  select,  as  might  well  astound  even  a 
Crabbe.  We  heard  of  one  young  man  in 
America,  who,  desiring  some  "stuffing''  with 
his  turkey,  asked  for  "some  of  the  inser- 
tion''^ I ! !  which  was  exquisite  refinement,  with 
a  vengeance.  The  fact  is,  that  the  old  joke 
of  "  decapitating  the  luminaries,"  for  snuffing 
the  candles,  is  continually  and  seriously  being 
realized    in     America,       Really    well-educated 


CONVERSATION.  89 

people,  conscious  that  their  acquircmenis  cannot 
be  disputed,  are  infinitely  more  careless  in  their 
expressions,  than  those  less  favored  ;  whilst  the 
elevated  (not  inflated)  style,  occasionally  neces- 
sary in  literature,  would  be  considered,  by 
gentlemen,  vulgarly  pedantic  in  ordinary  society. 
The  educated  man  can  afford  to  descend,  whilst 
the  more  refined  a  person  of  doubtful  position 
may  be,  the  greater  is  the  suspicion  of  its  being 
genuine.  Young  men  should  avoid  using  avow- 
edly vulgar  expressions,  but  be  equally  careful 
not  to  stick  their  '^  parts  of  speech  "  on  stilts  so 
high,  as  to  prevent  their  descending  again  to 
the  simplicity  of  social  conversation.  In  Boston, 
poor  Fanny  Kemble  became  the  subject  of  much 
animadversion,  for  using  the  word  "  dawdling," 
which  simply  implies  ''  laziness,"  ojid  nothing 
else.  The  acquirements  of  one  so  gifted,  and 
8* 


90  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

I  superior  in  intellect  to  the  average  of  her  sex. 
should  have  been  sufficient  to  shield  her  from 
such  absurd  and  underbred  criticism 

Above  all  things,  do  not  mistake  stiffness  for 
dignity  ;  the  very  spirit  of  good-breeding  consists 
in  being  easy  and  natural  yourself — and  in  the 
endeavor  to  make  others  the  same.  Etiquette 
is  only  the  armour  of  society ;  and  when  your 
position  is  fairly  established,  it  may  be  thrown 
aside,  at  least  so  far  as  is  consistent  with  good 
feeling  and  decorum. 

Avoid  a  loud  tone  of  voice  in  conversation,  or 
a  "  horse  laugh :  "  both  are  exceedingly  vulgar  ; 
and  if  practised,  strangers  may  think  that  you 
have  been  "cad"  to  an  omnibus.  There  is  a 
slightly  subdued  patrician  tone  of  voice,  which 


CONVERSATION.  91 

we  feai  can  only  be  acquired  in  good  society. 
Be  cautious  also  how  you  take  the  lead  in  con- 
versation, unless  it  be  forced  upon  you,  lest 
people  reiterate  the  remark  made  on  a  certain 
occasion  upon  that  '^  Brummagem  "  Johnson, 
Doctor  Parr,  —  that  "  he  was  like  a  great  toe  in 
society  ;  the  most  ignoble  part  of  the  body,  yet 
ever  thrust  foremost  J' 

Be  very  careful  how  you  "show  off"  in 
strange  company,  unless  you  be  thoroughly  con- 
versant with  your  subject,  as  you  are  never  sure 
of  the  person  next  to  whom  you  may  be  seated. 
It  is  a  common  occurrence  for  young  gentlemen 
of  very  shallow  pretensions  indeed,  to  endeavor 
to  astonish  country  society,  never  dreaming  that 
experienced  London  men  may  be  present,  when 
an  exposure  most  probably  follows  as  a  penalty 


92  HINTS    ON    ETKtUETTE. 

for  their  presumption.  For  instance  —  never 
talk  largely  of  the  ''Opera,"  —  "Pasta,  Grisi, 
Lablache,''  &c.,  on  the  strength  of  having  been 
there  once  or  twice  only,  lest  you  unwittingly 
address  some  old  frequenter  of  the  theatre,  who 
has  for  the  last  twenty  years  been  accustomed  to 
hear  all  the  "  Primi  cantanti,  serii  e  bujji,^^  and 
who  will,  most  likely,  have  every  opera,  its 
"  casts,"  and  music,  at  his  tongue's  end  ;  neither 
talk  learnedly  of  pictures,  —  '-bits,"  "effects," 
or  of  "masters,"  —  "Titian,"  "  Pwubens,"  Slc, 
from  the  very  slight  information  to  be  obtained 
from  copies  or  engravings,  for  Icar  some  sly  old 
fellow,  who  is  conversant  with  all  the  "  collec- 
tions "  from  "  Dan  to  Beersheba,"  should  be 
malicious  enough  to  analyze^  your  knowledge ; 
indeed,  as  the  consciousness  of  ignorance  is  apt 
to  make  people  peculiarly  sensitive,  it  would  be 


CONVERSATION.  93 

as  well  to  avoid  all  subjects  with  whicli  you 
Imow  the  generality  of  persons  present  cannot  he 
acquainted ;  for,  as  the  mere  introduction  of  such 
topics  will  be  considered  and  resented  as  an 
assumption  on  your  part,  should  you  happen  to 
be  vanquished  on  your  own  ground,  your  defeat 
will  be  relished  proportionably.  Remember  that, 
if  tjou  are  quiet  in  society,  you  will,  at  least,  have 
credit  for  discretion,  and  be  more  likely  to 
escape  annoyance  ;  it  is  display  alone  that  courts 
publicity  and  provokes  criticism.  It  would 
astonish  and  frighten  the  mock  brilliants  we  so 
often  meet,  could  they  but  know  how  quickly 
and  infallibly  the  practised  eye  will  detect  their 
position  in  the  world,  in  spite  of  the  gaudy  lacker 
spread  over  (in  the  hope  of  concealing)  a  homely 
material ;  m  such  cases,  gorgeous  vestments  act 
but  as  conductors  to  the  coarse  shirt,  and  clumsy 


94  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

ill-made  boots — such  as  a  gentleman  could  not 
wear;  the  vulgar  pronunciation  of  one  word, 
or  an  awkward  undrilled  walk,  is  sufficient  to 
render  more  than  doubtful  the  legitimacy  of  the 
most  captivating  exterior. 

It  is  a  matter  of  observation,  that  there  are  so 
few  people  who  know  how  to  walk  properly, 
and  who  do  not  ''get  along"  with  a  Ibunging 
^^  slewing  ^^  gait;  also  the  many  pseudo  '' mili- • 
taires,"  who  appear  never  to  have  known,  that 
to  carry  themselves  erect  —  to  step  well  —  and 
to  turn  out  their  toes  —  are  amongst  the  earliest 
and  most  indispensable  preparations  for  a  mil- 
itary life. 

There  cannot   be  a  custom    more  vulgar  or 
offensive  than  that  of  taking  a  person  aside  to 


CONVERSATION  "^^       OV  TB^    9&  \ 

whisper  in  a  room  with  compMjjJ^etjS^^ 
ness  is  of  frequent  occurrence —^^drnt 
persons  who  ought  to  know  better. 

Lounging  on  sofas,  or  reclining  in  chairs 
when  in  society,  as  if  in  the  privacy  of  one's 
own  dressing-room  or  study,  is  always  consid- 
ered indecorous  ;  but  in  the  presence  of  ladies 
is  deemed  extremely  vulgar. 

There  are  but  few  things  that  display  worse 
taste  than  the  introduction  of  professional  topics 
in  general  conversation,  especially  if  there  be 
ladies  present ;  the  minds  of  those  men  must  be 
miserably  ill-stored,  who  cannot  find  other  sub- 
jects for  conversation  than  their  own  profes- 
sions. Who  has  not  felt  this  on  having  been 
compelled  to  listen  to  "  clerical  slang,"  musty 


96  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

CO  lege  jokes,  and  anecdotes  divested  of  all 
interest  beyond  the  atmosphere  of  an  uni- 
versity ;  or  "  law  "  jokes,  with  "  good  stories  " 
of  "  learned  counsel ;  "  *'  long  yarns ;  "  or  the 
equally  tiresome  muster-roll  of  "our  regiment'' 
—  colonels  dead,  maimed  majors  retired  on 
pensions,  subs  lost  or  "  exchanged,"  gravitating 
between  Boulogne  and  the  King's  Bench  ?  — 
All  such  exclusive  topics  are  signs  either  of  a 
'  limited  intellect,  or  the  most  lamentable  igno- 
rance. 

Making  the  "  sports  of  the  field,"  or  anec- 
dotes of  the  clubs,  the  topics  of  conversation 
in  female  society,  will  subject  a  man  to  the 
imputation  of  having  a  very  mauvais  ton  ;  in- 
deed, people  should  be  careful  not  to  introduce 
topics  that  have  only  a  local  interest,  and  not  to 


CONVERSATION.  97 

speak  slightingly  of   those  who  are  the  friends 
of  any  of  the  guests. 

Mothers  should  be  on  their  guard  not  to 
repeat  nursery  anecdotes  or  hon-jnots,  as,  how- 
ever interesting  to  themselves,  they  are  seldom 
so  to  others.  Long  stories  should  always  be 
avoided,  as,  however  well  told,  they  interrupt 
general  conversation,  and  leave  the  impression 
that  the  narrator  thought  the  circle  dull,  and 
consequently  endeavored  to  amuse  it. 

An  exceedingly  vulgar  custom  prevails  in 
the  northern  part  of  England,  —  that  of  women 
using  the  titles  of  their  husbands  as  marks  of 
disthiction  to  themselves;  being  spoken  of,  or 
written  to,  and  even  having  printed  on  their 
cards,  <•  Mrs.  Cap.  Guhbins/'  ''  Mrs.  Dr.  Bo- 
9 


08  HINTS    ON    ETiqUETTE* 

raj,"  or  the  more  balmy  and  euphonious  appel- 
lation of  ''  Mrs.  Col.  Figgins/^  (generally  the 
flaxen-haired  owner  of  a  bilious  Colonel,  from 
"Choultry  Plains,"  and  late  of  Cheltenham.) 
It  springs  from  a  desire  to  sliovv  the  world  how 
much  they  are  exalted  by  their  husbands'  rank 
above  the  '^Muggs"  and  *' Jenkinses  "  of  low 
hfe.  How  oddly  "Mrs.  Alderman  Tibbs,"  or 
"  Mrs.  Churchwarden  Hobbs,"  would  sound ! 
To  such  an  extent  is  this  desire  for  title  carried, 
that  at  Aberdeen  a  row  of  dram-shops  near  the 
Pier  is  placarded  as  being  kept  by  "  Mrs.  Cap- 
tain Gordon,"  "  Mrs.  Captain  M'Dougal,"  &,c., 
being  the  consorts  of  the  "  masters "  of  the 
trading  smacks.  The  proper  mode  of  distin- 
guishing the  wives  of  various  members,  of  the 
same  family  is  by  using  the  Christian  name  ; 
as  Mrs.  Edward,  Mrs.  James,  &c.,  as  the  case 
may  be 


CONVERSATION.  99 

Never  use  the  term  ^^  genteel.'^  Do  not  speak 
of  '' genteel  people  ;  ^^  it  is  a  low  estimate  of 
good-breedmg,  used  only  by  vulgar  persons,  and 
from  their  lips  implies  that  union  of  finery,  flip- 
pancy, and  affectation,  often  found  in  those  but 
one  remove  from  "  hewers  of  wood  and  drawers 
of  water."  Substitute  "  ludl-bred person,^^  "  man- 
ners of  a  genilewomany^  or  of  '''  a  genikman^^' 
instead. 

Never  use  the  initial  of  a  person's  name-  to 
designate  him  ;  as  ''  Mr.  P.,"  ''  Mrs.  C,"  "  Miss 
W.,"  Slc,  Nothing  is  more  abominable  than 
to  hear  a  woman  speak  of  her  husband  as 
*^Mr.  B." 

In  speaking  to  ladies  of  title,  do  not  say  -^my 
lady,"   it  being  only   proper   for   servants   and 


100  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

tradespeople  so  to  do ;  you  may  occasionally 
say  '^  your  ladyship,"  as  it  shows  that  you  are 
aware  of  their  claim  to  the  distinction. 

The  fear  of  being  thought  vulgar,  often  drives 

meritorious  people  who  have  risen  by  their  own 

exertions,  into  the  opposite  extreme,  and  causes 

them  to  be  superlatively  delicate.     Such  persons 
r 
are  shocked  at  the  sound    of   '^  breeches, ^^    will 

substitute  '•  inebriated  "  for  "  very  dru7ik,^^  and 

cannot  be  brought  to  allow  there  are  such  ani- 

.    mals  as  "  women "  in  the  world. 

It  is  also  a  clumsy  attempt  at  refinerrient  to 
use  a  particular  set  of  words :  at  present  we 
have  '•  splendid  travelling,"  *^  splendid  gin," 
^^  splendid  potatoes,"  &c. 


101 


CHAP.   XII. 

ADVICE    TO    TRADESPEOPLE. 

By  tradespeople  I  do  not  mean  merchants 
or  manufacturers,  but  shopkeepers  and  retailers 
of  various  goods,  who  will  do  well  to  remember 
that  people  are  respectable  in  their  own  sphere 
only,  and  that  when  they  attempt  to  step  out 
of  it  they  cease  to  he  so.  When  exceptions  are 
made  by  the  world,  it  is  generally  in  favor  of 
briUiant  genius  or  extraordinary  acquirements, 
and,  even  then,  it  can  only  be  by  the  prevailing 
suffi'age  of  society  ;  therefore  do  not  attempt  to 
claim  the  acquaintance  of  those  above  you,  lest 
9* 


102  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

you  meet  a  mortifying  repulse.  Many  will  say, 
'*We  are  just  as  good  as  they  are,  and  as 
respectable."  So  you  ari,  but  yet  not  fit 
companions  for  each  other.  Society  is  divided 
into  various  orders,  each  class  having  its  own 
views,  its  peculiar  education,  habits,  and  tastes ; 
so  that  the  conversation  of  the  one  would  prob- 
ably be  most  uninteresting  to  the  other.  It  is 
the  fashion  to  talk  of  the  spread  of  education  — 
and,  so  far  as  merely  reading  and  writing  go,  it 
is  true  ;  but  they  are  only  the  first  steps  to  a 
cultivated  mind,  and  the  literary  acquirements 
of  a  man  of  business,  are  necessarily  confined 
to  reading  the  newspaper.  He  has  no  time  for 
any  thing  else ;  and,  however  skilful  in  his  trade, 
cannot  form  an  idea  of  that  man^s  mind  who  has 
devoted  all  his  energies  to  science  or  Hterature. 
Nay,  can  you  suppose  that  even  the  merchant 


ADVICE    TO    TRADESPEOPLE,  103 

of  Portland  Place  *  and  the  occupant  of  the  back 
parlor  to  a  butcher's  shop  think  and  feel  alike  ? 
Certainly  not  ;  and  recollect  also,  that  however 
highly  you  maij  estimate  yourself,  the  world  will 
judge  you  by  any  standard  rather  than  your 
own. 

The  English  are  the  most  aristocratic  dem- 
ocrats in  the  world  ;  always  endeavoring  to 
squeeze  through  the  portals  of  rank  and  fashion, 
and  then  slamming  the  door  in  the  face  of  any 
unfortunate  devil  who  may  happen  to  be  behind 
them. 

"  rortland  Place,"  in  London,  is  the  residence  of  the 
higher  order  of  merchants  —  that  class  which  stands  next  in 
rank  to  the  "  gentry  "  of  England;  of  whose  families,  indeed, 
many  are  the  scions  ;  —  more  than  ignoble,  yet  rarely  possess- 
ing feudal  claims  to  aristocratical  distinction. 


104 


CHAP.  XIII. 


VISITING. 


If  you  arc  thrown  amongst  fashionable 
peoi)lc,  you  must  not  pay  a  visit  to  a  lady 
before  three  o'clock  p.  m.,  nor  after  five,  as,  if 
you  call  before  that  time,  you  will  interrupt  those 
avocations  which  more  or  less  occupy  every 
JaJy  in  the  early  part  of  the  day  ;  if  later  than 
five  o'clock,  you  will  prevent  her  driving  out. 

This  does  not  at  all  apply  to  America,  where 
the  hours  are  so  much  earlier.  It  is  not  in- 
tended to  attempt  changing  the  customs  of  a 
country    in    some    respects    ratlonallv   differing 


VISITING.  105 


from  those  of  Europe,  but  only  to  notice  those 
habits  that  can  and  ought  to  be  ahered  for  the 
better. 


On  returning  visits,  a  card  left  at  the  house 
is  generally  considered  all  that  is  necessary ; 
but,  if  you  are  admitted,  do  not  make  a  morning 
vi.sit  too  long,  lest  you  interfere  with  the  engage- 
ments of  the  mistress  of  the  Iiouse. 

Never  leave  your  hat  in  the  hall  when  you 
pay  a  morning  visit ;  it  makes  you  look  too  much 
at  home  ;  take  it  with  you  into  the  room. 

If  you  are  ^desirous  of  making  a  friendly  or 
iin professional  acquaintance  with  a  professional 
man,  either  leave  your  card  «vith  him,  or  be 
careful  to  tell  him  that  you  will  be  happy  if  he 


WB  HINTS    ON    ETIi^UETTE. 

will  visit  you.  Otherwise  he  will,  as  a  matter 
of  course,  consider  your  visit  to  him  as  pnrely 
professional,  and  will  not  run  the  risk  of  return- 
ing a  call  which  was  not  intended  to  be  recip- 
rocated. We  have  known  several  forward 
professional  people  get  into  "an  awkward  fix" 
by  returning  visits  made  merely  in  a  profes- 
sional way,  and  by  so  doing  subjecting  them- 
selves to  disasfrceable  remarks 


107 


CHAP.   XIV 


VISITING    CARDS, 


When  a  family  arrive  in  London,  they  should 
send  out  cards  to  their  acquaintances  to  inform 
them  of  that  event,  as  well  as  of  their  address. 

The  names  of  the  daughters  who  have  been 
oresented  are  to  be  inscribed  on  the  cards  of 
their  mothers. 

One  card  is  sufficient  for  a  mother  and 
daughters     to      leave,    and    should      there     be 

daughters  or  sisters  residing  with  the  lady  called 

« 

on,  the  cornel    )r  corners  of  the  card  may  be 


103  HINTS    OS    ETIQ,UETTE. 

turned  down,  to  signify  that  the  visit  is  meant 
for  them  also. 

When  a  married  lady  makes  a  call,  she  may 
leave  her  husband's  card. 

It  is  not  unusual  for  persons  to  send  cards 
by  their  servants  lo  return  visits ;  but  this  mode 
is  considered  disrespectful,  excepting  when  it  is 
10  return  thanks  for  "  inquiries.'' 

On  the  Continent,  persons  inscribe  on  their 
cards  "  en  jpersojine,^^  to  show  that  they  them- 
selves have  come,  and  not  sent  their  cards. 
Many  of  the  English,  regardless  of  the  motive, 
notwithstanding  its  being  so  evident,  had  the 
same  words  written  on  theirs,  and  the  persons 
to  whom  these  cards  were  sent  not  unfrequently 


VISITING     CARDS.  109 

had  cards  with  "  en  personne "  thrust  into  tlie 
hands  of  their  porter  by  a  laquais  Je  place, 
when  they  were  in  the  vestibule,  or  entering 
their  carriages,  which  excited  much  laugliter, 
the  servants  also  joining  in  the  mirth. 

When  a  wadding  takes  place  in  a  family, 
the  cards  of  the  newly  married  pair  are  sent 
round  to  all  their  acquaintances  to  apprize  them 
of  the  event.  The  cards  me  sent  out  by 
the  bridegroom  to  his  acquaintances,  and  by 
the  parents  of  the  bride  to  theirs.  Jn  some 
instances,  the  cards  have  been  united  by  silken 
or  silver  cords ;  but  this  mode  has  not  been 
adopted  by  people  of  fashion. 

To  those  who  leave  cards  at  the  residence  of 
the  bride  and  bridegroom  during  their  absence 
10 


no  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE 

in  the  "  honeymoon,"  cards  are  sent  to  inform 
them  of  their  return. 

When  f.ards  are  left  for  married  people  who 
reside  with  their  parents  or  relatives,  their  names 
should  be  written  on  the  cards  left  for  them,  to 
preclude  mistakes. 

When  persons  witnout  parents  are  married, 
they  should  send  their  cards  to  their  acquaint- 
ances. 

Foreign  ladies  always  inscribe  their  maiden 
names,  as  well  as  their  married  ones,  on  their 

cards  —  as,  "La   Comtesse    de    M nee   de 

S ; "    this    explains    to   what    family    they 

belong,  and  prevents  mistakes  where  there  are 
others  of  the   same  name.     An  English  lady, 


''ISITING    CARDS.  Ill 

observing   this  mode,  and  wishing  to  adopt  it, 
left   her    cards    with    the    following   inscription, 

*«  Mrs.  Popkins nee    Tibbetts,"    to    the    no 

small   amusement   of    the    quizzer   with    whom 
they   were   left. 

In  giving  dinners,  endeavor  to  engage  per- 
sons only  who  are  known  to  each  other,  or 
who  mutually  desire  to  become  acquainted. 
Exceptions  may  be  made  in  favor  of  persons 
of  acknowledged  merit,  or  of  high  distinction. 

In  society,  verbal  invitations  are  often  given 
to  balls  or  concerts,  by  persons  with  whom_ 
you  are  only  slightly  acquainted,  and  have  not 
previously  visited :  in  such  a  case,  it  is  proper 
to  leave  a  card  beforehand  on  the  lady  at 
whose  house  the  soiiee  is  to  take  place,  that 


112  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

she  may  be  made  acquainted  with  your  name 
and  intention  —  so  that  you  may  be  expected; 
because  you  may  have  received  an  invitation 
fiom  her  husband,  of  which  she  was  ignorant, 
and  he  may  not  be  there  to  present  you. 
Should  it  so  occur,  a  card  previously  left  will 
prevent  either  party  looking  foolish,  or  the 
stranger  appearing   '^de   trop." 

Some  doubts  having  arisen,  after  a  death,  as 
to  the  proper  period  of  returning  cards  of 
"  thanks "  for  visits  of  condolence,  we  believe 
there  is  no  fixed  time  ;  for,  as  cards  of  thanks 
imply  that  the  bereaved  parties  are  prepared 
to  receive  visitors,  it  must  be,  with  them,  en- 
tirehj  a  matter  of  feeling • 

In  Franccj  aeains,  oirins,  and  marriages  are 


VISITING     CARDS.  1 13 

announced  by  unsealed  letters  sent  round  by 
the  heads  of  the  family  in  which  the  event 
has  occurred.  These  arc  called  ''  leitres  de 
fairc  part.^^  Those  addressed  to  relatives  are 
written  by  the  chef  dc  famille  ;  and  those  to 
friends    and    acquaintances    are    printed. 


II » 


114 


CHAP.  XV. 


cauds. 


Card-tables  are  general iy  set  out  in  a  room 
appropriated  to  their  use,  or  else  in  the  room 
of  reception,  where  they  arc  placed  apart. 
When  coffee  has  been  served,  the  master  or 
mistress  of  the  house  proposes  cards  to  the 
visitors,  and  those  disposed  to  play  advance  to 
the  table,  at  which  a  fresh  pack  of  cards  is 
opened,  and  spread,  and  each  person  intending 
to  play  draws  a  card.  The  persons  wlio  draw 
the  highest  card  are  excluded  from  tlie  rubber: 
but  the  four  individuals  who  have  drawn  the 
lowest,  again  draw  cards  for  partners;  the  two 


CARDS.  115 

highest  become  partners  ;  and  the  two  wno 
have  drawn  the  lowest  have  the  choice  of 
seats   and    the    deal. 

At  the  commencement  of  every  fresh 
rubber  the  players  again  cut  for  partners. 
Wagers  are  made  in  preference  with  the 
persons  playing  ;  but  if  they  decline  to  accept 
them,  a  player  is  justilied  m  betting  with  any 
of  the  spectators. 

In  good  society  it  is  considered  mouvais  ton 
to  be  too  punctilious  c(!id  exacting  with  regard 
to  the  penalties  incurred  through  mistakes, 
which,  in  general,  are  only  enforced  at  the 
Clubs,  where  ^*  play "  is  looked  on  as  an  affair 
on  the  stock  exchange  ;  where  each  individual 
profits    by    the    indiscretion    of    his    opponent. 


116  niNTS    ON    ETKIUETTE 

To  lo§e  without  any  exhibition  of  ill-humor, 
and  to  win  wllhout  any  symptom  of  exulta- 
tion, are  deemed  characteristic  of  high  breed- 
ing and  savoir  vivre,  and  those  who  cannot 
always  remember  this,  would  do  well  to  give 
up   play. 

Women  should  never  play  except  for  trifling 
sums,  and  not  even  then,  unless  they  can 
retain  the  command  of  their  temper ;  she  who 
wishes  to  win  a  heart,  or  to  retain  one,  should 
never  permit  her  admirers  to  behold  her  at 
cards,  as  the  anxiety  fhey  produce  is  as  de 
structive  to  beauty  as  to  sentiment. 


117 


CHAP.   XVI. 


TATTLING. 


It  has  somewhere  been  observed  that,  "  In 
good  society,  a  tacit  understanding  exists  that 
whatsoever  conversation  may  take  place  shall 
be  to  a  certain  degree  sacred,  and  may  not 
honorably  be  carried  out  of  it,  and  repeated 
to  the  prejudice  of  the  utterer."  This  axiom 
cannot  be  too  strongly  inculcated  ;  as,  if  such 
practices  were  allowed,  all  confidence  would 
be  destroyed,  and  there  would  be  no  end  to 
the  mischief  caused  by  silly  or  malignant  people. 

Conversations    ever   have    taken    place,   and 


118  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTj:.. 

ever  will,  in  which  opinions  are  given,  and 
motives  scrutinized,  truly  and  justly  too,  and 
with  decided  advantage  to  the  world,  as  it  is 
very  often  the  only  way  in  which  one  half  of 
mankind  can  be  put  upon  their  guard  against 
the  other ;  nevertheless,  but  few  people  would 
be  pleased  to  learn  that  their  designs,  their 
foibles,  or  their  weaknesses,  had  been  made 
the  subject  of  discussion,  as  most  men  flatter 
themselves  the  world  will  take  them  at  what- 
ever value  they  may  choose  to  set  upon 
themselves.  There  are  none,  therefore,  so 
despicable,  as  those  traitors  to  society  who  hurry 
from  house  to  house,  laden  with  the  remarks 
made  by  one  party  upon  another  ;  stirring  up 
discord  and  strengthening  hatred  wheresoever 
they  appear,  —  by  whom  every  unguarded  ex- 
pression   is    distorted    or    magnified,   and   who 


TATTLING.  119 

take  a  malicious  pleasure  (too  often  under  the 
guise  of  aflTeclion)  in  wounding  one  friend  at 
the  expense  of  another.  This  is  the  bane  of 
country  society,  and  falls  particularlyVfaeavy  on 
those  "  accustomed  to  all  the  freedom  of  thought 
and  frankness  of  expression  of  a  great  capital, 
and  who  find  it  difficult,  if  not  impossible,  to 
adopt  the  caution  so  necessary  in  a  small 
community."  * 

Consequently,  give  your  oicn  cpinion  of 
people  if  you  choose,  but  you  are  not  at 
liberty  to  repeat  that  of  others.  Only  fancy 
the  result  of  one  lady  saying  to  another, 
"  Well,  Maria,  what  do  you  think  Miss  Ma- 
caw says  of   YOU  ?      She  says,  that  you  havo 

*  Life  of  Mackintosh. 


120  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

the  thickest  ankles,  and  tlie  thinnest  arms,  of 
any  girl  in  the  country ;  with  a  contour  like 
an    Alligator,  and   a    head    like   a   Bhon  I ! ! " 

Be  cautious  how  you  indulge  in  badinage 
in  the  presence  of  dull,  common-place  people ; 
they  will  either  get  out  of  temper  in  conse- 
quence of  taking  what  you  say  literally,  or 
else  will  stare  and  wonder  at  you  fpr  being 
such  a  "  strange  man."  '^  Poor  Susan  !  "  said 
a  gentleman  to  a  pretty  girl.  "  Poor,  indeed  !  " 
replied  the  lady,  with  an  indignant  toss  of  the 
head ;  "  not  so  poor  as  that  comes  to.  Papa 
can  give  us  something."  —  What  an  anticipa- 
tion for  the  sensitive  aspirant  I 


121 


CHAP.  XVII. 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY. 


If  you  meet  a  lady  of  your  acquaintance  in 
the  street,  it  is  her  j)art  to  notice  you  first, 
unless,  indeed,  you  are  very  intimate.  The 
reason  is,  if  you  bow  to  a  lady  first,  she  may 
not  choose  to  acknowledge  you,  and  tliere  is 
no  remedy;  but  if  she  bow  to  you  —  you,  as 
a  gentleman,  cannot  cut  her. 

On  the  Continent  the  fashion  in  this  instance, 

as  in  many  others,  is  exactly  the  reverse.     No 

lady,  however  intimate  you  may  be   with    her, 

will    acknowledge    your    acquaintance    la    the 

11 


122  HINTS    ON    ETTQ^TTETTE. 

street,  unless  you  are  the  first  to  honor  her, 
with  a  bow  of  recognition.  It  must  be  obvi- 
ous, however,  to  all  thinking  persons,  that  our 
own  custom  is  the  most  in  accordance  with 
good   taste. 

Never  nod  to  a  lady  in  the  street,  neither 
be  satisfied  with  touching  your  hat,  but  take 
it  off, — it  is  a  courtesy  her  sex  demands. 

Never  keep  your  hat  on  when  handing  a 
lady  to  her  box  or  to  her  carriage. 

Never  slam  the  door  of  a  box  with  violence, 
nor  speak  loudly  enough  to  disturb  an  audi- 
ence. When  you  visit  a  lady  in  her  box  at 
the  opera,  be  sure  to  leave  it  when  other 
visitors  enter,  lest  you  be  de  irojp. 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETr.  123 

Never  sit  in  the  boxes  of  a  theatre  with 
your  hat  on;  it  is  an  insult  to  the  rest  of  the 
audience,  especially  if  there  be   ladies. 

There  is  nothing  in  which  the  young  would- 
be-fine -gentleman  in  America  more  completely 
betrays  himself  than  by  his  conduct  in  a 
theatre.  He  throws  open  the  box-door,  lounges 
in,  leaves  the  door  o^ien,  to  show  his  indepen- 
dence of  all  the  rules  of  good-breeding, 
and  his  utter  want  of  consideration  for  the 
comfort  of  others.  He  sits  with  his  hat  on  ; 
and,  when  tired  of  the  performance,  lounges  out 
again,  leaving  the  box-door  open,  for  the  rest  of 
the  occupants  to  shut  af  cr  him.  It  is  this 
vulgar  selfishness,  so  doubly  conspicuous  in  such 
a  place,  that  has  almost  banished  real  gentlemen 
from  the  theatre,  it  not  being  worth  their  while 


124  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

to  create  a  disturbance  by  demanding  a  com- 
pliance with  rules  that  common  politeness  should 
suggest.  So  they  quietly  withdraw  themselves, 
leaving  dramatic  entertainments  to  merchants' 
clerks,  young  students,  clerks  in  stores,  and  such 
small  fry  as  do  not  think  it  worth  while  to 
qualify  themselves  for  the  society  of  those  su- 
perior to  them,  and  who  are  shallow  enough 
to  mistake  vulgar  swagger  for  fashionable  Jion- 
chala nee,  txnd  low-bred  selfishness  for  republican 
independence. 

Do  not  insist  upon  pulling  off  your  glove  on 
a  very  hot  day  when  you  shake  hands  with  a 
lady.  If  it  be  off,  uhy,  all  very  well  ;  but  it  is 
better  to  run  the  risk  of  being  considered  un- 
gallant,  than  to  present  a  clammy  ungloved  hand. 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  125 

Never,  indeed,  offer  your  nand,  unless  wi  II 
assured  that  it  is  in  a  presci  stable  state  of 
frigidity  ;  (or  the  touch  of  a  tepid  hand  chills 
the  warmest  feehngs. 

On  entering  a  coffee-house,  and  sitting  down, 
iaJce  ojf  your  hat ;  it  is  only  a  proper  mark  of 
respect  to  your  own  class,  towards  whom  you 
i^uld  i)ay  the  same  deference  you  exact  from 
ot^rs. 

If  you  meet  a  friend  in  the  street  —  in  a 
coffee-house,  shop,  or  indeed  any  public  place, 
never  address  Iiim  hy  name  ;  at  least,  not  so 
loudly  as  that  olhers  may  hear  it :  sensitive 
people  do  not  like  to  be  "  shown  up "  to 
strangers  as  ''Mr.  Jones,"  or  *' Mr.  Smith," 
and  so  attract  disagreeable  notice.  Accost  your 
11* 


126  HINTS    ON    KTiqUETTE. 

friend  quietly  ;  and  do  not  7'oar  out,  "  Ah  !  Mr. 
Smith  !  how  do  you  do,  Mr.  Smith  ?  "  it  is  very 
offensive,  and  shows  a  great  want  of  proper 
dehcacy. 

Do  not  strain  after  great  people,  —  for, 
although  they  like  the  homage,  inasmuch  as  it 
flatters  their  vanity,  yet  they  despise  the  dis- 
penser of  it.  Pay  them,  however,  all  proj 
respect  ;  but  do  not  forget  what  is  di 
yourself. 


proj^ 

f 


As  a  general  rule  —  it  is  the  place  of  the 
superior  in   rank  to  speak  first  to   the   inferior. 

Wlien  presented  to  a  person  of  high  rank, 
you  should  leave  a  card  at  his  house  the  next 
day. 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  127 

If  you  have  been  in  society  with  a  noble- 
man, and  should  chance  to  meet  him  again 
elsewhere,  leave  it  to  him  to  speak  first,  or  to 
recognise  you.  If  you  claim  his  acquaintance, 
you  give  him  an  opportunity  of  behaving 
supercihously  to  you,  which  would  be  as  well 
avoided. 

An  unfortunate  Clerk  of  the  Treasury,  who, 
because  he  was  in  the  receipt  of  a  good  salary, 
besides  being  a  "  Triton  amongst  the  minnows  " 
of  Clapham  Common,*  fancied  himself  a  great 
man,  dined  at  the  Beef  Steak  Club,  where  he 
sat   next    to   a   noble    Duke,   who,   desirous   of 

*  A  common  locality  for  government  clerks  and  for  shop- 
keepers, wealthy  enoug :  to  live  away  from  their  places  of 
busines3. 


123  HINTS    ON    ETICtUETTE. 

putting  him  at  case  with  himself,  conversed 
freely  vvil'j  fc-im,  yet  probably  forgot  even  the 
existence  of  such  a  person  half  an  hour  after- 
wards. Meeting  his  Grace  in  the  street  some 
days  after,  and  encouraged  by  his  previous 
condescension,  the  hero  of  the  quill,  bent  on 
claiming  his  acquaintance,  accosted  him  in  a 
familiar  *•  hail-fellow-well-met-ish  "  manner,  — 
"  Ah,  my  Lord,  how  d'ye  do  ? "  The  Duke 
looked  surprised.  '^  May  I  know.  Sir,  to  ivhom 
I  have  the  honor  of  speaking  ?  "  said  his  Grace, 
drawing  up.  *' Oh  1  wliy  —  don't  you  know? 
We  dined  together  at  the  Beef  Steak  Club, 
the  other  evening  !  —  Tivi  Mr.  Tim:»is  of  the 
Treasury!!"  "Then,''  said  the  Duke,  turn- 
ing on  his  heel,  ''  Mr.  Timms  of  the  Treas- 
ury, I  wish  you  a  good  morningJ' 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  129 

Remember  that  all  your  guests  are  equal  for 
the  time  being,  and  have  a  similar  claim  to 
your  courtesies ;  nay,  if  there  be  a  difference 
shown,  those  of  the  lesser  raok  require  a  liitle 
more  attention  than  the  rest,  that  they  rnay  not 
be  made  to  feel  their  inferiority. 

There  is  no  more  common  or  absurd  mistake 
tlian  supposing  that,  because  people  are  of  high 
rank,  they  cannot  be  vulgar ;  —  or  that  if  peo- 
ple be  in  an  obscure  station,  they  cannot  be 
well  bred.  We  have  seen  as  many  instances 
of  vulgarity  in  a  peer  as  could  be  found  in  a 
grazier;  and  have  noticed  as  many  examples 
of  a  perfect  freedom  from  the  least  taint  of  it 
in  persons  in  humbh  life,  as  could  be  desired 
in  a  duchess. 


130  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

Nothing  raore  clearly  indicates  the  true 
gentleman,  than  a  desire  evinced  to  oblige  or 
accommodate^  whenever  it  is  possible  or  reason- 
able ;  it  forms  the  broad  distinction  between  the 
well-bred  man  of  the  world,  and  the  coarse  and 
brutal  crowd  —  the  irreclaimably  vulgar,  —  vul- 
gar, not  from  their  inferiority  of  station,  but 
because  they  arc  coarse  and  brutal.  Neverthe- 
less,  we  often  find  persons  so  selfish  and  super- 
cilious, and  of  so  equivocal  an  importance,  that 
they  fancy  any  compliance  with  the  wishes  of 
the  many,  would  tend  to  lessen  their  dignity  in 
the  eyes  of  their  companions,  and  who  foolishly 
imagine  that  a  good  coat  places  them  above 
the  necessity  of  conciliating  the  feelings  of  tht 
multitude  by  the  performance  of  an  act  of 
courtesy.  It  is  evident  there  cannot  be  a 
greater   mistake,  since   even   the   lower   classeg 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  131 

(whatever  their  own  practices  may  be)  keenly 
appreciate,  and  gratefully  acknowledge,  the 
slightest  consideration  shown  to  them  by  their 
superiors.  That  persons  should  be  found  weak 
enough  to  beheve  themselves  above  control,  is 
lamentable,  as  such  silliness  can  only  expose 
them  to  the  ridicule  of  their  equals,  and  the 
contempt  of  their  superiors. 

A  perfect  freedom  from  affectation,  and  an 
observance  of  the  feelings  of  others,  will  always 
exempt  a  person  from  the  charge  of  vulgarity. 

Be  careful  to  offer  a  favor  jn  such  a  manner 
as  not  to  offend  the  delicacy  of  those  whom  you 
wisli  to  serve.  Favors  may  be  so  conferred  as 
to  become  insults.  If  kindness  and  a  desire  to 
obUge  induce  you  to  offer  an   '*  attention,"  do 


132  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

not  jyirss  It  after  it  has  been  once  refused,  and  so 
affront  ill-tempered  or' testy  people.  A  friend 
who  had  been  dining  a  short  distance  from 
London,  when  about  to  return,  said  to  one  of 
tlie  party,  *'  Sir,  my  carriage  is  at  the  door ;  if 
.  agreeable,  I  shall  be  happy  to  take  you  to 
town."  —  "lam  much  obliged  to  you,"- replied 
the  ungracious  Mr.  Tubbs,  drawing  himself  up, 
**but  —  /  have  a  carriage  of  my  oimy 

Vulgar  people  like  to  be  solicited  —  to  con- 
cede a  favor  only  on  the  most  humiliating 
terms,  being  the  lowest  gratification  of  the 
coarsest  vanity...  There  is  no  greater  proof  of 
high  breeding  —  which,  by  the  way,  is  high 
feeling  —  than  the  conferring  a  benefit  without 
the  indelicacy  of  exacting  a  revolting  suppli- 
cation.    The  contemptible  axiom,  "If  a  thing  be 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  133 

worth  having,  it  is  worth  asking  for,"  is  but 
worthy  of  a  pompous  parish  authority,  and  can 
only  be  responded  to  by  those  who  beUeve  that 
no  means  are  despicable  so  long  as  their  object 
be  attained. 

When  you  offer  a  place  in  your  carriage,  be 
sure  to  give  the  best,  or  you  will  subject  yourself 
to  the  charge  of  ignorance  and  ill-breeding.  A 
spintuelh  reproof  for  an  error  of  this  kind  was 
lately  given  at  Paris  by  the  celebrated  Mons.  de 
M.  Having  met  in  the  vestibule  of  the  Opera 
two  parvenu  bankers^  9iflM||BMIiABIIlSl|^  much 
more  remarkable  for  their  wealth  than  their  good 
manners,  llliMHB^  observing  that  the  compte's 
carriage  had  not  arrived,  offered  him  a  place  in 
theirs,  which  he  accepted.  To  his  surprise, 
"  les  freres  feroces "  (as  they  are  named) 
12 


134  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

entered  the  coach  first,  and  seated  themselves 
in  the  back  seat,  leaving  the  aged  bon-vivant  to 
sit  with  his  back  to  the  horses ;  but  no  sooner 
did  he  observe  this  piece  of  ill-breeding,  than  he 
pulled  the  check-string,  and  insisted  on  leaving 
the  carriage.  —  "  But  why  will  you  get  out  ?  " 
asked  the  parvenus,  in  astonishment.  "  Be- 
cause," replied  Mons.  de  M.,  "  I  always  feel  ill 
when  I  sit  with  my  back  to  the  horses  —  in  the 
carnage  of  another.'' 

Hundreds  may  refrain  from  being  guilty  of  an 
impertinffffi^flBW#5S!OT^^e  in  a  thousand  is 
capable  of  performing  a  well-bred  action ;  be- 
cause a  restraint  on  one's  rudel^RRlrtlerely  the 
result  of  good  schooling  —  whilst  to  offer  an  act 
of  graceful  courtesy,  is  evidence  of  a  superior 
mind  and  a  kindly  heart. 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  •         135 

Do  not  cross  a  room  in  an  anxious  manner, 
and  force  your  way  up  to  a  lady  merely  to 
receive  a  bow,  as  by  so  doing  you  attract  the 
eyes  of  the  company  towards  her.  If  you  are 
desirous  of  being  noticed  by  any  persons  in 
particular,  put  yourself  in  their  way  as  if  by 
accident,  and  do  not  let  them  see  that  you 
have  sought  them  out ;  unless,  indeed,  there  be 
something  very  important  to  communicate. 

Do  not  take  upon  yourself  to  do  the  honors 
in  another  man's  house,  or  constitute  yourself 
master  of  the  cerenWfTiSS^'^i^WIP^iH  thereby 
offend  the  host  and  hostess. 

There  is  a  shallow  attempt  at  "  fallen  great- 
ness," sometimes  practised  by  persons  who  wish 


136  «  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

it  to  be  supposed  they  are  below  their  proper 
sphere,  —  that  of  bestowing  high-sounding  titles 
upon  very  ordinary  objects ;  as  calling  a  hack- 
ney-coach "  the  carriage  ;  "  or  speaking  of  a  gig, 
or  wretched  pony  chaise,  as  ^'  our  carriage  ;  "  or 
of  a  miserable  passage,  three  feet  wide,  as  the 
*^hall."  This  is  very  foolish,  and  does  not 
impose  upon  any  one. 

In  addressing  letters  to  persons  of  rank,  the 
tide  should  be  written,  whether  of  Duke,  Mar- 
quis, Earl,  Viscount,  or  Baron,  instead  of 
"  Lord "  So-a^drso,  which  is  considered  dis- 
respectful and  vulgar.  This  rule  should  be 
particularly  attended  to  in  writing*^tt>  Ladies,  in 
order  to  avoid  confounding  the  rank  they  hold 
with   the   very   inferior    one    of  the    wives  of 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  137 

Baronets  or  Knights.  Military  rank  always 
takes  precedence  of  titles  on  the  superscription 
of  letters. 

As  the  term  "  Esquire  "  has  long  degenerated 
into  a  title  of  mere  courtesy,  be  careful  to  give 
it  when  writing  to  any  person  above  the  rank 
of  a  shopkeeper,  and  scrupulously  aw^ard  it  to 
all  professional  men ;  not  to  do  so,  would  appear 
like  an  ungracious  attempt,  on  your  part,  to 
depreciate  them,  and  to  display  your  own  im- 
portance by  affecting  to  underrate  thtir  pre- 
tensions;  besides,  as  the  first  lesson  taught  to 
"people  of  condition"  is  "to  be  courteous  to 
all  men,"  and  as  you  will  rarely  find  these  little 
proprieties  overlooked  by  them,  any  neglect  on 
your  part  will  naturally  suggest  the  inference, 
that  the  offending  epistle  was  indited  by  some 
12* 


138  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 


very  assumS?g  or  very  ignorant  person.  It  is 
needless  in  these  times  to  consider  the  distinc- 
tions made  by  the  "  law "  in  ages  past ;  for  as 
"  belted  knights  "  exist  no  longer,  the  reality  of 
an  Esquire  has  long  merged  in  the  shadowy  title, 
which,  "a5  by  law  allowed,^^  is  shared  by  the 
lowest  pettifogger,  or  the  coarsest  tradesman 
admitted  into  the  ranks  of  the  '^Gentlemen 
pensioners."  *     We    do   not    attempt   to   deny 

*  Gentlemen  pensioners  are  Esquires  by  "authority."  This 
ancient  and  pleasant  provision  for  decayed  gentlemen  was 
much  distorted,  during  the  last  reign,  by  the  admission  of 
improper  persons ;  so  conspicuous,  indeed,  did  its  squalidness 
and  vulgarity  become,  as  to  attract  the  attention,  and  excite 
the  ire,  of  the  late  sovereign,  who  threatened  to  disband  such 
an  equivocal  appendage  to  his  state.  The  institution  has  now, 
however,  become  regenerate,  by  restricting  the  quality  of  its 
members;  and  at  present  shines  forth  in  more  than  its  pristine 
splendor,  as  the  "Honorable  Band  of  Gentlemen-at-arms." 
So  be  it. 


.05- 
OF    GENERAL    SOCIETYS  t7  T?  ^^      139 

that  "Esquire,"  in  common^^^^JBie  tenrts 
"  Professor,"  or  "  Professional,"  is  occasion- 
ally abused,  sin  le  a  "  Professorship  "  rewards 
alike  the  saltatory  labors  of  a  dancing-master, 
and  gilds  the  graceful  avocations  of  an  "  Area- 
dian  "  hair-dresser. 

In  writing  to  subalterns  in  the  army,  be 
careful  not  to  address  your  letter  to  Ensign  or 
Lieut,  So-and-so,  but  to  J.  P.  Esq,,  83d  Reg^, 
&c.,  as  the  case  may  be;  Cajptain  being  the 
lowest  grade  which  a  military  man  chooses  to 
acknowledge. 

Do  not  offer  a  person  the  chair  from  which 
you  have  just  risen,  unless  there  be  no  other  in 
the  room. 


140  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

Never  take  the  chair  usually  occupied  by  the 
mistress  of  the  house,  even  thouah  shi;  be  absent, 
nor  use  the  snuff-box  of  another,  unless  he 
offer  it. 

Do  not  touch  any  of  the  articles  of  bijouterie 
in  the  houses  where  you  visit ;  they  are  meant 
only  for  the  use  of  the  lady  of  the  house,  and 
may  be  admired,  but  not  touched. 

Do  not  beat  the  "  devil's  tattoo,"  by  drum- 
mmg  with  your  fingers  on  a  table ;  it  cannot  fail 
to  annoy  every  one  within  hearing,  and  is  the 
mdex  of  a  vacant  mind.  Neither  read  the 
newspaper  in  an  audible  whisper,  as  it  disturbs 
the  attention  of  those  near  you.  Both  these 
bad  habits  are  particularly  offensive  where  most 
common;    that    is,   in    a    country    news-room. 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  141 

Remember  that  a  carelessness  as  to  what  may 
incommodo  others  is  the  sure  sign  of  a  coarse 
and  ordinary  mind  ;  indeed,  the  essential  part 
of  good-breeding  is  more  in  the  avoidance  of 
whatever  may  be  disagreeable  to  others,  than 
even  an  accurate  observance  of  the  customs  of 
good  society. 

Never  allow  any  peison  above  the  rank  of  a 
shopman  to  leave  the  room  without  your  ringing 
the  bell  for  the  street  door  to  be  opened. 
Thousands  have  been  irremediably  offended 
by  having  been  suffered  to  quit  a  room  un- 
attended, and  to  *'  let  themselves  out."  This 
deserves  particular  notice,  as  it  is  a  very  common 
omission  with  persons,  who,  having  amassed  a 
little  wealth  and  set  up  for  "  somebodies y'  would 
be   exceedingly  annoyed  to  have  it  whispered 


142  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

that    they    could   be   guilty   of    such  gross   ill- 
breeding. 

Courtesy  is  the  cement  of,  society  —  the 
philanthropic  amalgam  which  blends  the  varia- 
tions, and  unites  the  trifling  inequalities,  of  the 
great  human  family.  Courtesy  is  not  less  the 
sign  of  a  kindly  heart  than  of  a  sound  un- 
derstanding ;  for,  since  there  is  no  other  sin  of 
omission  so  heavily  visited  as  the  withholding  of 
customary  attentions  —  nor  any  assumption  so 
fiercely  resisted  as  that  implied  superiority  which 
affects  to  overlook  in  the  case  of  others  the  well- 
understood  observances  of  civilized  life  —  it 
follows  that  the  exercise  of  it  is  as  politic  as  its 
practice  should  be  grateful,  especially  as  there  is 
no  one  man  so  much  greater  than  another,  either 
in   intellect   or   in   rank,   but    that   bis   failings 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  143 

usually  reduce  him  almost  to  a  level  with  the 
meanest;  whilst  the  virtues  of  those  whom  he 
has  affected  to  underrate,  often  more  than  coun- 
terbalance the  advantages  of  wealth  and  station 
—  accidents  which  but  too  often  fall  to  the  lot 
of  the  undeserving.  Which  of  the  two  would 
be  the  greater  man  —  the  meanest  hind  ever 
created,  who  might  be  moral,  or  the  shameless 
profligate,*  whose  vices  have  just  been  rewarded 
with  an  Earldom?  No  wonder  that  England  is 
sinking,  when  infamy  seems  to  be  the  surest 
stepping-stone  to  worldly  honors. 

*  The  heartless  seducer  of  Miss  Foot,  the  actress,  and  an 
infinity  of  other  victims  —  and  now  hving  in  open  adultery 

with  Mrs.  B ,  another  actress,  who,  in  the  full  swing  of 

her  immorality,  goes  about  distributing  religious  tracts  I ! 
*'  This  is  a  fine  world,  my  masters.* 


144  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

People  who  Iiave  risen  in  the  world  are  too 
apt  to  suppose  they  render  themselves  of  con- 
sequence in  proportion  to  the  pride  they  display, 
and  their  want  of  attention  towards  those  with 
whom  they  come  in  contact.  This  is  a  terrible 
mistake,  as  every  ill-bred  act  recoils  with  triple 
violence  against  its  perpetrators,  by  leading  the 
offended  parties  to  analyze  them,  and  to  question 
their  right  of  assuming  a  superiority  to  which 
(in  tlie  absence  of  positive  rank)  they  are  but 
rarely  entitled. 

People  who  may  be  w^hat,  in  French  phrase- 
ology, are  termed  parvenus,  or  nouveaux  riches, 
and  who  desire  to  attain  a  good  position  in 
society,  must  be  careful  to  avoid  making  any 
advances  to  people  of  rank,  and  should  wait 
until    tnese   last    seek   their    acquaintance.     A 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  145 

contrary  line  of  conduct  will  only  draw  on  them 
the  imputation  of  forwardness  and  vulgarity. 
For  as  it  is  the  privilege  of  the  person  of  the 
highest  rank  to  make  the  first  advances  towards 
acquaintanceship,  there  is  no  excuse  for  the 
inferior  to  commit  himself. 

If  you  would  prevent  embarrassment  to  others, 
be  very  scrupulous  how  you  invite  yourself  to 
join  a  friend  in  any  excursion  —  even  in  taking 
a  walk  —  as,  without  any  unfriendly  feeling  on 
his  part,  he  may  have  reasons  why  your  com- 
pany shall  not  be  desirable,  but  which,  from 
motives  of  delicacy,  he  might  refrain  from  point- 
ing out.  Therefore  you  may  inadvertently 
place  him  in  an  awkward  position,  it  being  very 
difficult  to  say,  ''  I  wish  to  be  alone,"  without 
giving  offence,  or  exciting  an  unjustifiable 
13 


f 


146  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

scrutiny  into  his  actions.  It  is  always  safer  to 
wait  until  you  are  invited ;  and  so,  before  it  be 
too  late,  avoid  that  most  humbling  of  all  feelings 
r—  the  consciousness  of  being  de  trop. 

The  rising  generation  of  "  elegans "  in 
America  are  particularly  requested  to  observe, 
that,  in  pohshed  society,  it  is  not  quite  comme  il 
faut  for  gentlemen  to  blow  their  noses  with  their 
fingers,  especially  when  in  the  streets  —  a  prac- 
tice, by  the  way,  infinitely  more  common  than 
refined.  Economy  is  a  praiseworthy  virtue ; 
but,  alas!  the  prejudices  of  civilized  life  are 
against  its  being  carried  to  such  an  extreme  — 
so  that  to  those  who  aspire  to  be  distinguished, 
the  use  of  a  pocket  handkerchief  must  be  con- 
sidered as  indispensable. 


O*     GENERAL    SOCIETY.  147 

Do  not  abuse  the  advantage  of  a  "  two-penny 
post,"  by  making  people  pay  the  postage  of 
letters  on  your  own  business  merely,  and 
transmitted  through  such  a  channel  entirely  for 
your  convenience^  by  saving  the  trouble  of 
sending  a  servant.  The  postage  upon  one 
solitary  note  is  small,  it  is  true ;  but  may  amount 
to  a  large  sum  in  the  aggregate.  Depend  upon 
it,  the  most  "  tiffy "  people  .will  not  be  very 
much  offended  at  the  postage  being  paid, 
although  some  affect  openly  to  despise  an 
expense  at  which  they  grumble  in  secret. 

Avoid  the  bad  taste  of  telling  your  company 
how  much  any  particular  dish,  wines,  pines,  or 
other  delicacies  on  your  table,  have  cost  you, 
however  expensive.  It  is  a  very  common  but 
particularly   indelicate  trick    with  parvenus,   in 


148  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

order  to  impress  on  those  present,  the  full  weight 
and  obligation  of  the  "  ireat^^  and  cannot  fail  to 
make  their  guests  feel  most  uncomfortably,  that 
the  host  is  just  as  likely  to  calculate  to  the 
fraction  of  a  farthing,  the  value  of  what  each 
individual  eats  and  drinks.  "  That  wine  you're' 
now  drinking  stands  me  in  4^.  9cf.  a  bottle,  by 
the  pipe."  "  Oh !  oh !  "  ihiriks  the  guest, 
"  then  if  I  drink  half  a  bottle,  I  shall  be  2^.  4  Jc?. 
in  his  debt."  And  who,  having  once  had  his 
thoughts  turned  that  way,  does  not  calculate 
what  Ids  portion  of  the  whole  "  spread "  might 
be,  and  feel  inclined  to  put  his  hand  in  his 
pocket  and  tender  the  money  ?  Or  —  even 
worse  than  this — we  heard  of  a  young  lady, 
who,  at  the  table  of  her  father,  was  gauche 
enough  to  inform  his  guest  of  the  cost  of  the 
wine  j?er  glass  !  I     Even  th^  t^rms  in  whi<?h  the 


OF   GENERAL    SOCIETY.  149 

invitation  given  by  a  Frenchman  was  couched, 
"  Vill    you   acce])t   from   me   a    cup    of  tea  ? " 
seemed  to  place  a  certain  pecuniary  value  upon 
the  trifling  civility,  which  made  its  "  acceptance  " 
disagreeable.     We   once   heard   a   man   at  the 
head    of   his    own    table    thus    enlighten     the 
convivial  is  ts  —  "  That  supper  now   before   you 
cost   me   forty  pounds,  every  farthing  of  it,  [a      O 
he,  by  the  way]  —  it  did,  by  G — d  ;    the  whole       \ 
concern    [there    had   been   a   ball]    won't   cost 
me   less    than  eighty  pounds  —  it  won't,  upon 
my  soul ! !  "  —  an    announcement   sufficient   to 
give  his  guests  the  colic,  if  only  in  some  shape         / 
to  relieve  themselves  of  the  obligation. 

There  is  no  better  test  of  a  man's  claim  to 
be  considered  '^  a  gentleman/^  than  a  scrutiny  of 
his   conduct   in   money    transactions.      A    man 
13  * 


J  50  HINTS    ON    ETIQUETTE. 

may  possess  rank  and  fashion,  and,  by  an 
assumed  frankness  of  character,  deceive  the 
multitude  ;  but  the  moment  his  purse  is  invaded, 
if  he  be  not  of  the  true  caste,  he  will  display 
the  most  contemptible  meanness,  he  will  take 
advantage  of  the  liberal  —  evade,  by  every 
miserable  subterfuge,  the  claims  of  those  he 
dares  not  oppress,  and  unblushingly  defy  those 
unfortunate  persons  whose  poverty  is  likely  to 
prevent  the  due  assertion  of  their  rights.  Such 
a  man  may  possess  station  in  society  —  he  may 
be  an  "elegant"  —  he  may  be  u.  prince  I  but, 
if  he  he  not  honest  —  he  is  not  a  gentleman. 

Never  for  a  moment  regret  the  loss  of  an 
acquaintance  with  people  who  may  have  shown 
by  their  conduct,  that  they  were  devoid  of  that 
high  feeling  \vhich  is  the  characteristic  of  true 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIEXr.  151 

gentility,  or  who  may  have  behaved  towards  you 
in  a  sinister,  low-minded  manner;  for,  depend 
upon  it,  that,  with  such  people,  you  are  never 
safe  —  never  secure  that  they  may  not,  at  any 
moment  when  their  supposed  interests  prcfmpt 
them,  "throw  you  over"  without  the  slightest 
remorse,  or  reference  to  any  friendly  feeling  they 
may  previously  have  professed  for  you.  Rather 
congratulate  yourself  that  so  insecurely  founded 
an  acquaintance  is  over.  The  "  cloven  foot" 
once  shown,  avoid  them  as  you  would  the  Devil 
—  paying  no  attention  to  any  specious,  insincere 
explanations  they  may  make  ;  yet  be  careful  to 
back  out  so  quietly  as  not  to  afford  them  any 
grounds  for  maligning  you,  which  the  meanly- 
minded  will  infallibly  do,  in  hopes  to  clear 
themselves  in  the  eyes  of  the  world.  People 
who  are  conscious  of  having  behaved  in  a  con- 


152  HINTS    ON    ETK^UETTE. 

temptible  manner  towards  you,  bire  ever  on  the 
look-out  for  any  trifling  indiscretion  on  your 
part,  in  hopes  to  justify  themselves,  and,  if 
unable  to  succeed,  will  invent  motives  for  you, 
rather  than  not  extract  some  ideal  balm  to  heal 
the  deepest  sting  that  rankles  in  the  human 
mind  —  the  consciousness  of  having  played  a 
base  and  despicable  part,  and  the  conviction  of 
having  their  conduct  analyzed  by  a  sharp-witted 
world. 

We  have  but  one  observation  to  make  on 
dancing  in  America.  It  is,  that  gentlemen 
should  dance  on  their  toes,  rather  than  on  their 
heels,  or  with  the  foot  quite  flat.  The  want 
of  "  springiness,^^  in  so  elastic  a  recreation  as 
dancing,  is  ungraceful,  and  therefore  inelegant. 
In  modern  dancing,  a  graceful  movement  of  the 


OF    GENERAL    SOCIETY.  153 

person  is  infinitely  to  be  preferred  to  the  "  hop- 
skip-and-jump "  precision  of  steps  peculiar  to^ 
dancing  schools.  Jy%^     of  the         '     \ 

With  intimate  friends,  you^ay  dispense  with 
ceremony  as  much  as  may  be  deemed  desirable 
to  all  parties;  but  with  strangers,  or  persons 
with  whom  you  are  only  imperfectly  acquainted, 
every  deviation  from  established  custom  is  a 
slight,  as  it  tends  to  show  how  little  their  society 
is  appreciated ;  and  will  ( if  they  possess  a  grain 
of  spirit)  be  resented  accordingly. 

Although  these  remarks  will  not  be  suffi- 
cient in  themselves  to  ma'ke  you  a  gentleman, 
yet  they  will  enable  you  to  avoid  any  glaring 
impropriety,  and  do  much  to  render  you  easy 
and  confident  in  society. 


154  HINTS    ON    ETIQ,UETTE. 

Gentility  is  neither  in  birth,  manner,  nor 
fashion  —  but  in  the  mind.  A  high  sense  of 
honor  —  a  determination  never  to  take  a  mean 
advantage  of  another  —  an  adherence  to  truth, 
delicacy,  and  politeness  towards  those  with 
whom  you  may  have  dealings  —  are  the  es- 
sential  and    distinguishing   characteristics   of   a 

GENTLEMAN. 


14  DAY  USE 

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